New year's resolutions.

- Stay skinny

- Travel somewhere warm

- Make out with someone attractive

- Be more outgoing

- Tell them how I really feel

Welcoming the new year.

It’s amazing to me how much I’ve grown. I always feel like I’m in a rut. No progress. Stuck in a small town in Indiana with nothing to do. Trying to get through each day same as the other. But I have to realize how much the year of 2009 has changed me, whether that be relationships, travels, experiences. Just anything. In the continuing process of trying to truly find myself so many things happened to me along the way. I found myself in DC happier than I’d been in such a long time. I found myself getting closer to Rachael and realizing my dream of southern California living. I found my passion of photography to be improving with every photo I took. I found myself in a disfunctional online summer fling, realizing things I would of never imagined about myself. I found myself surrounded by people that I can open to and just live my life with, not having to worry about anything but having a good time and living life to the fullest. I’m ready to grow even more this next year. Develop long lasting relationships with the people I’ve become so close to and flourish in new ones. Anything is possible. Anything can happen. Even when you live in a small town in Indiana.

Tis the season.

I hate to bombard with posts. Especially posts with lots of photos. But I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Maybe this is to myself. I'm never sure if anyone reads these thoughts of mine. Either way, Merry Christmas. I hope it's very festive and eventful. Who's ready for 2010? This is exciting.

Side note: Santa is nearing Indianapolis according to Santa Tracker. I better get my ass to bed.

Damn you's a sexy bitch.

I hung out with Sydney today. We had a good time. Sunglasses on a cloudy day, messy breakfast food, laying out on comfortable couches at Starbucks, browsing at Half Priced Books, searching for Lady Gaga on the radio, and good conversation. Love that girl.

Cardigans, Holden Caulfield, and The Royal Tenenbaums.

I've decided that from now on I'm just going to wear lot's of chunky knit cardigans and undershirts or deep v's. This is when I feel most attractive.

I'm really enjoying Franny and Zooey. J. D. Salinger can do no wrong. I aspire to be Holden Caulfield and Zooey Glass.

It's strange.

Everything. I'm without my computer due to hard drive troubles. My life is on that thing. I hated knowing I would lose it all. But it might possibly be for the best. My old self is on that computer. In some weird way I want to get it over with and throw it out of my second story window onto the snow covered concrete below. I met you on that computer. I cried onto the keyboard too many times. I watched too many things happen on that screen. And I wasted too many hours letting it's glow illuminate my surroundings. I'm probably thinking too much. But I don't think I'll miss it. Really. I can start over. It's not that big of a deal.

Last night was enjoyable.

I never got my strawberry banana smoothie, but Sydney and I make a cute couple.

The Virgin Suicides.

Why is it always that I don't like a movie until days after I've watched it. Well the more I think about it the more I want to watch it again. Although it lacked in some areas, the feelings it emitted made it beautiful. The Virgin Suicides. Powerful stuff.

Monday night therapy session.

Driving lessons, grande mochas, iPod games and imitating Rachael via text at the swim meet, dinner date at Applebee's, and "mini shopping adventures" at Target consisting of baby shower invitations, ugly school supplies, and gorgeous cashiers. Tonight has been therapeutic to say the least. Is it really Monday night? This seems so wrong.

Analyzing Tik Tok.

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer. Ain't got no money in my pocket, but Im already here. Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

I'm pretty indifferent to this whole song. It was on the radio for... what, two days? Give or take. My only complaint. Mick Jagger? Really? I agree with Ashley. I don't care if it's the only thing that rhymed with swagger. You have bad taste in men.

It's complicated.

Originally a facebook note from forever ago of sixteen things most people don't know about me. I edited some and am changing it to twenty.

1) I always ask people the question "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" when I'm trying to get to know them. And over the many question games I've played and had this also asked to me I've realized that mine is constantly changing. With the only common factor being that I want to do something with photography. It's what I love. I may not be where I want to be right now. But that's okay. Because I'm trying. And if I keep working I'll make it. I know it.

2) I want to learn. As much as possible. I'm afraid of being like the people on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?". Forgetting almost everything I've spent 16 years learning once I graduate from college. I want to be Cash Cab smart until I'm eighty.

3) J'aime parler francais. It's goal of mine to eventually be fluent. And although it may not benefit me as much in the states that's not really a concern of mine. I can't imagine speaking anything else.

4) Reading is something I'm really into. It puts me somewhere else. Away from all this bull shit that constantly is happening around us. I can get lost for hours. And unlike television or a movie that I'm just watching on a screen when I read I feel somewhere else. At peace. And with my life I need that.

5) Don't take a lot of what I say seriously. If you did you'd probably be on anti-depressants. Because sometimes I forget the just kidding part.

6) I would love to visit Iceland. I've destroyed this travel book I bought a little while back trying to dissect and comprehend everything I could possibly need to know. It's beautiful. Quaint. Everything I would normally hate but for some can only appreciate in this Narnia of the North Atlantic.

7) I'm ready to fall in love. But more importantly, to be loved just as much, to feel important, and to have a first kiss with the perfect one.

8) When I'm online and really bored. After I've exhausted Urban Outfitters website and the SocialVibe forums I just keep refreshing the Facebook home page waiting for something to happen...

9) I decide whether you're worth getting to know the first time I meet you. It's something I need to work on.

10) I'm a reality/celebreality television junkie. Having been graced with it every monday and sunday night which I'm sure has rotted a nice portion of my brain. But the spitting, plate throwing, slapping, yelling, and drinking is what I've come to know and love. Flavor Flav I thank you for Flavor of Love. God bless you.

11) The main thing I apsire for in my life is peace. Within myself and with people I meet everyday. Because I think once I achieve that everything else in my life will just fall into place.

12) I'm really interested in anything that is the mid twentieth century.

13) I collect the most random things in my wallet. Fortunes from fortune cookies, starbucks receipts only, and business cards of artists and galleries I'll never get in touch with.

14) I'm not much of a people person. I'm reserved, awkward, and just unsociable. I enjoy listening to music, reading about famous people, and daydreaming. I don't like talking the phone because it makes me flustered. I hate public speaking because I'm not used to being the center of attention. I'm not outgoing because I'm afraid of being judged. I wasn't always this way. Somewhere for some reason something in me changed and the over active ten year old that would talk to anyone turned into a sixteen year old that won't start a conversation with someone he doesn't know.

15) I'd like to live in Los Angeles. It's fake. It's trashy. It's commercial. It's superficial. And I love it.

16) Along with social interaction I lost all self confidence a long time ago. I don't look into anything with a reflection without noting yet another flaw or imperfection. Past infatuations, internet romances, friendships, and voices of strangers have taught me that I am imperfect. I am flawed. I'm not good enough. I'm not saying this for pity. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. It's just the sad truth. Always forever I will have something I can work on to make myself look better for someone else. When I get ready in the morning it's to impress them. When I get ready in the morning it's to look better in their eyes. I don't do much for me anymore. I don't know if I know how.

17) I envy sex and drug addicts, patients with mental illnesses, so on and so forth. Only because I feel like I would need some kind of mental breakdown for people to realize that I'm not okay.

18) I don't need cocaine, cigarettes, or vodka. I have venti soy mochas from Starbucks.

19) I'd like to photograph beautiful people in expensive clothing for a living. I may not be the best, but I've had far too many people tell me that I have a lot of potential to give this up so easily.

20) As upset, fragile, or vulnerable as I may seem, I'm just a person with depth. I feel, I experience, and I grow, in different and awkward ways. I'm making it as best I can day by day. Hoping for the best. That one day someone will come along and love me for me. That someday I'll be doing what I'm passionate about. That someday I'll live somewhere where it's warm all the time. That someday I'll be happy. Someday.

The girl across the street.

All afternoon she's been out in the freezing cold with her huge pale blue coat, pink boots, and matching gloves.. Managing in this time to make three snow angels, walk around in circles, try to slide down her driveway on a sled with no ice, punching the ground repeatedly when it didn't work, and tying the sled to a tree branch when she was done so it wouldn't blow away. I always wonder what she's going to be like when she's my age. I envy her curiosity.

Her fall antics.

It's been a long time.

I can't get you out of my head. I want to move on. You have. But what can I move on to? Nothing. I have nothing. I'm just waiting. Waiting for you to do something to me that hurts me so badly I must move on. It's all inevitable. I mean you meant a lot to me. You still do.

Sometimes I'm just not sure about anything.

This is one of those times. I'm going to go to bed thinking about you, and wake up tomorrow realizing it'll never happen. I'll hope you're okay, even though I know that's why you're not texting me back. I'll hope you'll understand, even though you won't. I'll hope this doesn't hurt us, even though it will.

I'm alone. I'm vulnerable. I'm helpless. I'm hopeless. I'm sorry, so sorry.

It's December.

Neighbors are starting put up Christmas lights. That makes me happy. Listening to the new single Norway by Beach House. Falling in love all over again. I watched this really great movie Sunday. Paris Je T'aime. Eighteen different stories by eighteen different directors. All focusing on the the theme of love in Paris. My favorites were probably...

A young man hanging out with two friends who taunt all women who walk by, strikes up a friendship with a young Muslim woman.

A young male customer finds himself attracted to a young printshop worker and tries to explain that he believes the man to be his soulmate, not realizing that he speaks little French.

An American actress procures some exceptionally strong hashish from a dealer whom she gets a crush on.

A separated couple meet at a bar for one last drink before the two officially divorce.

Carol, a letter carrier from Denver, Colorado on her first European holiday, recites in rough French what she loves about Paris.

The film was very beautiful. So many different themes but all connected in some way. It was one that made you think about it over and over again even the day after you watched it. It's already been placed on my facebook "Favorite Movies" section. Accompanied by Little Miss Sunshine and Before Sunset.

I have some new goals for this month also. No soda, no foods that make me feel gross, no more biting my nails or lips. All of those kind of in preparation for my New Year's Resolutions.

After stumbling on the second season trailer for Skins. I am in love. Even though all I know about is what I've seen in the trailers, youtube clips, and wikipedia page. Unfortunately it's on british television. But, I found the first season on Amazon. Thirty dollars. I'm buying it as soon as my mom gets home.

Old feelings are coming back. I'm trying not to let them get the best of me.

I have only a few weeks until winter break. Let's see if I make it.

Die young, stay pretty.

When I was younger I wanted to be a model. Then I grew up.

So happy I could die.

This morning came with some realizations. The first, I'm coming to strongly dislike you. The second, you fucked up. The third, I miss you. The fourth, I need to move on. The fifth and last, as much as I want to move on. As much as I want to lose you, forget them, and reuinite with the other. I don't know how. I don't know when. And I don't know if I can. Change isn't always easy when you don't have anyone else to turn to.

Wandering through starry skies.

I'm not bad. I'm not good. I'm not really anything I guess. Maybe just, lonely. Wanting. Craving. Faking. Wishing. Living. Breathing. All mixed into one big emotion of confusion.

It's been a blast.

I'm getting over you by developing yet another hopeless crush on someone like them.

Weekends events.

Got lost on the way to Noodles and Company. Witnessed Sydney steal a key chain at World Market. Sat in her car with Jasmine and Rachael. Talked about sex, drugs, and gossip things. The usual. Drew pictures on the foggy windows. Made three u turns before realizing there was no way to get to Starbucks through the construction. Settled on Panera. Got free drinks from the guy that kept talking to himself. Went to the Keystone theatre to see An Education. Saw previews for three other movies I now want to see. Got home late. Slept well. Went to a gallery opening for my photo class with Jasmine and the family. Window shopped at H&M. Ate out at P.F. Changs. Watched my mom down two glasses of plum wine. Made an appearance at the International Festival. Met a cute Iranian. Saw Jasmine's tight Iranian dancing skills. Walked around the rest of the festival looking for fun things to do with mexican sodas in hand. Went out to eat with Jasmine's family at Yat's. Listened to them all have conversations in farsi. I think. Downed three diet cokes. Watched sluts and ass holes waiting outside of bars and clubs in Broadripple from the comfort of Jasmine's car. Slept until a ridiculous time this morning.

One of those nights.

It's one of those nights when the sky doesn't look completely black. Not because of the stars or anything. But there's a faint glow of yellow along the horizon. I figure it's from all the lights. You wouldn't think it'd be enough. But there it is. A soft yellow from every other home in this clustered suburbia creating an unknown shade between it and the pitch black sky.

I said what I needed to say tonight. And for now I'm satisfied. The whole situation had been too much for me emotionally. But upon looking over the brief conversation I found this message I hadn't noticed before, i do like you, and couldn't help but tear up a bit. It felt different this time. It felt sincere.

Looking up from the asphalt and being blinded by the sun.

There was a song I heard when I was in Los Angeles by a local group. The song was called “Los Angeles” and the words and images were so harsh and bitter that the song would reverberate in my mind for days. The images I later found out, were personal and no one I knew shared them. The images I had were of people driven mad by living in the city. Images of parents who were so hungry and unfulfilled that they ate their own children. Images of people, teenagers my own age, looking up from the asphalt and being blinded by the sun. These images stayed with me even after I left the city. Images so violent and malicious that they seemed to be my only point of reference for a long time afterwards. After I left.

I'm ready to get out of central Indiana and migrate west.

Photograph by Bobby Whigham

Sometimes, I still need you.

Please don't say we're done when I'm not finished. I could give you so much more. Make you feel, like never before. Welcome, they said welcome to the floor. It's been a while and you've found someone better. But I've been waiting too long to give this up. The more I see, I understand. But sometimes, I still need you.

These lyrics couldn't explain the feeling any better. Had a nice evening. I don't know why I'm so exhausted.

I've had enough this time.

The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

It happened again. You told me not to give up to much of my heart. It seems as if in the process I gave it all.

The Morning After.

Just a little something I wrote a few months ago. Entitled The Morning After.

The music was blaring, and she couldn’t make out the words, but that didn’t matter. She stood in the middle of the crowd, lights flashing beneath her feet, hands up in the air, and bleached hair flowing over her shoulders as she slowly perspired under her dress. It was as if she was in a trance. The neon lights blurred her vision and she could only make out vague figures on the dance floor, all of them in the same trance. She smiled to herself because for the first time in a long time, she was happy. The alcohol made everything better. In a swift moment someone grabbed her hand and shook her into consciousness. The smile left her face as she realized where she was. Her friend Drea was screaming over the music but Ada couldn’t make out any of the words. Looking defeated Drea squeezed her hand and slowly led her out of the club and into the chilly DC night, music fading behind them. A strong wind came from a back ally onto the street and blew Ada’s hair in her face. She grimaced as the cold stung her soft skin and threw on an old flight jacket. Tugging it tight to her body and embracing it’s musty smell. They walked down the streets illuminated by yellow citibank lights. The city was at peace, still, and they were alone. A cab sped by on there right, and the silence was broken. Drea started to ramble.

“I can’t believe you can even walk… You drink way too much Ada… School is going to be rough tomorrow… Did you even study for our exam…”

The words meant nothing to Ada. She was busy with other thoughts. Lately petty teenage problems such as school, studying, and relationships had bothered her less and less. Earlier that week Ada stumbled into a quaint bookstore on an older side of town. An exterior of chipped blue paint and an interior filled with stacks upon stacks of leather-bound books. She couldn’t believe they were even for sale. While carelessly browsing the collection of old novels and philosophical accounts something in particular caught her eye. She took it off the shelf and blew the thick layer of dust away from the binding. It read, An Extensive View of Reincarnation: A Hindu Concept. Ada remembered some classes that briefly mentioned the topic, and her family was of course Christian, but she bought the book anyway and had been reading it ever since. It was almost instinct. She loved the basic idea of reincarnation, which is basically the belief that some essential part of a living being survives death to be reborn in a new body. Ada felt that with this, she could start over. If this reincarnation process was truly the process, which she believed it was, she could start over as someone else. Ada thought fate brought her to the book. Fate let her know the grass was truly greener on the other side.

“Are you even listening to me Ada?” Drea asked helplessly.

Ada snapped out of her daydream and turned to look at Drea.

Drea smirked at her, “You’ve got a lot going for you, Ada. I know you don’t think so, but you’ve got a smile that lights up a whole room. You’re something special. Everything is going to look up. I promise.”

She didn’t say exactly what she was thinking but, Ada knew better than anyone what she was referring to. Earlier that year her parents could put on the show no longer; the love story of two DC socialites that fell in love and got married. It seemed fitting. Everyone believed they were the perfect couple. Heck, they even convinced themselves that, but Ada knew the truth. It was all a class act. Everyone around them pressured the couple, convincing them they were perfect for each other. There were never any true feelings there. Ada saw that, but for some reason the news of a divorce came as a surprise to her. Her mom broke the news to her over a cup of coffee, and Ada only responded with a simple “oh”. Her family already owned two homes. As long as Ada could stay in the city and go out nightly she was content. After a long custody battle over her and every inch of the things they owned Ada ended up with her mother in their DC townhouse. She was satisfied.

“We’re here Ada,” Drea said.

Ada looked up from the concrete to Drea’s gentle smile.

“It’s been fun,” Drea attempted to make conversation.

“Yeah… always,” Ada responded.

They hugged for the longest time while Ada inhaled whiffs of Drea’s familiar perfume. They let go, and she walked up the old steps to her townhouse. Drunkenly fumbling with her keys, she finally got one in the hole and managed to open the door. As she walked in she could hear Drea’s heels making their way down the street. She hoped she’d be okay by herself. She passed the living room on her way up the staircase to her mom passed out on the couch with an empty wine glass lying on the floor, something she had become very used to since the divorce. Without another thought she climbed the stairs to her bedroom. It was a very nice home with expensive antiques, minimalist colors, and perfectly matching accessories. Ada hated every inch of it. It was everything she wasn’t, which is why she found her room a sanctuary in a home of everything fake and made up. No one dared, not even the maids, step foot in her room, with an unmade vintage looking floral print bedspread, clothes strewn everywhere, the rug on a distressed brown wooden floor raised in places, random art crookedly hanging on the walls, and stacks of old books. To most it would seem like a total wreck, but everything was artfully placed where Ada thought it fit best. By now she had changed from a form fitting cocktail dress to an oversized tank top and boy shorts. With her long hair pulled back off her face and no makeup on, she lied in bed and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep and hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since earlier that summer. Without both parents in the house Ada found she had less and less supervision. She went out practically every night, finding friends in vodka and anyone that took advantage of her. She was reaching rock bottom. And what is rock bottom for any disoriented daughter of a socialite? Rehab. But Ada had other plans, and rehab wasn’t one of them. She didn’t want to leave better but knowing who she once was and all that baggage. After the encounter with the book on reincarnation, she felt it was the perfect solution. What she’d been looking for for a long time. Ada could start over new, and that’s just what she planned on doing. She crawled out of bed and walked to her window. The sill was just large enough for her to sit comfortably, which is exactly what she did. With her hand she traced an area in the frost-covered glass to see out of. Lights shown above all the other town houses creating a soft glow that gave light to all the individual flakes of snow falling from a black sky onto the still streets below. It was breathtaking. Tears started to well under her eyes. She knew it was her time to move on. She was ready. She felt complete.

When Ada woke up the morning after the sun was glaring through the small window casting scattered pools of light all over the room, one of those spots conveniently located over her face. She sat up and rubbed them until she could finally see straight. The alarm clock read 2:46 and she was sixty percent sure it was a Wednesday. Upon walking downstairs she found the living room where her mom had passed out the night before all tidied up. After sipping the rest of her coffee and carefully picking at the manicure she had received two days before, she decided to call up her old friend, Cohen. Ada just got his voicemail and remembered that he had class until four. It turned out to be Wednesday. Leaving the brown stained mug and nail clippings on the table for the maid to get, she went upstairs to get ready, which only consisted of throwing on a white wife beater and black floral skirt. The hair was fine messy. She always made it work at the last minute anyway. By the time she was finished with that and had read an old Vogue magazine it was 4:12. Cohen picked up the phone this time and said he’d go their straight from campus. It’d be around ten minutes. The door was already unlocked so Cohen let himself in and opened the door to her room with Ada resting on the windowsill. The noise startled her and she almost fell. Cohen laughed and Ada just giggled. He went to lay down on her bed running his fingers through his coarse hair. Ada felt so comfortable around him. She knew he was the one person she would miss most.

“So what do you need?” He asked matter-of-factly.

“Do I have to need anything?” She asked as she walked over to the small bed and jumped on top of him. He grunted at the sudden pressure on his chest.

They stayed up in Ada’s room all afternoon and into the evening, creating organized piles of clutter, reading, and drinking coffee that the maid brought up for them every two hours. The sun finally set and once the lights came out to see the city just as they had the night before Cohen declared it was probably time for him to get going. Ada told him to stay; she had something he’d like to see.

“It better be good,” he answered.

Ada took Cohen by the hand leading him out of her room and up a back staircase that led to the roof. She let him out first and stuck one of her flats in between the door and wall as not to get them locked out in the chilly DC night. Cohen stood still and watched Ada make her way to the ledge of the building, placing all her weight onto her forearms and leaning out as if she was getting ready for flight. He joined her and looked out at the landscape. It was DC. She knew it wasn’t anything new to him, but for some reason that night the city looked different, and she knew he saw it too. They stood there in silence for a long time looking at the place they would remember for the rest of their lives. Snow started to fall, gently but surely.

“It’s getting late Ada,” Cohen pointed out.

“You can go now, I just wanted you to see this with me,” she answered.

He looked out again and inhaled a deep breath, “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s our life,” Ada went on, “we were born here, we cried here, we loved here, we experienced life here, and someday we’ll die here.”

Cohen looked at her quizzically, responding with a simple “yeah.”

Ada looked up toward the sky, and snowflake fell on her nose. She closed her eyes and smiled. Everything felt right, until the thoughts of heartache and lonesome came rushing back to her. But she couldn’t show it on her face to Cohen. She didn’t want him to suspect anything, so she left the smile on. When she opened her eyes Cohen was looking at her. He laughed, and the two just smiled at each other. Getting on her tiptoes, Ada kissed him lightly on the cheek. He was startled by the gesture but still found it sweet and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She dug her face into his chest and they stood like that for what seemed like forever. Cohen having to practically pry himself away from her laughed and said “Ada, it’s not like I’ll never see you again. Just call me tomorrow, and we’ll do this again.”

“If only I could,” she thought to herself.

They said their final goodbyes and Cohen made his way to the staircase door. Halfway there he turned to look at her, “You coming?”

“I’ll go down in a minute. I want to stay up here a little bit longer,” she said.

Cohen stared at her with the look on his face struggling to find the right words. He sighed to himself and with a defeated look told Ada to have a good night. She stayed up there for what seemed like eternity. No one bothered looking for her - neither her mom nor one of the maids. Even if they had, the roof was the last place they would of thought to check. Ada had it all to herself. Snow was still falling. A flake gently fell on her eyelash. It was time, she thought to herself. Ada clumsily threw one foot onto the ledge she was leaning on the moment before and hoisted the rest of her body with it. Now standing tall on the townhouse roof, she looked over a city of white marble and concrete illuminated by a soft yellow glow. She took her right leg and let it hover over the edge. Now only one leg left her up there, safe from the fall. Without another thought she casually took the leg and stepped off of the edge. The weight of her body tilted itself so that she was now looking at the glowing sky, snowflakes falling everywhere. She closed her eyes, and she smiled.

And it's just complicated and I'll stop now.

"Okay. So. Do you ever feel really bad about yourself. Pick up your phone. Go through your contacts. And realize there's no one you can call that would be able to make you happier? Like you have people you could call. But you cant. Not in that sense. So you just have to push it in the back of your mind until it happens again. And eventually you just can't take it. And you don't know where to go from there. Like who do you talk to? Because the one person you really want to talk to wouldn't pick up their phone even if you wanted them to."

I needed to vent. It didn't think I had so much to say.

I feel like it's a bad sign when you don't care about losing your virginity. I don't think I ever have though. I'm only here to please.

I wish you would realize.

That you deserve so much better. I don't know why you go on like this. You're bound to get heart broken, but I promise I'll be different. Just wait it out a little. I'm still here. I still feel like I did when we first met, and I miss you.

Happy Halloween everyone. It finally feels like fall.

Attraction is easy.

It's when the feelings settle in and take over your every thought when thing's start to get complicated. I talked to them. Like old times. Compliments and sweet nothings the like. I don't know what I'm going to do if it ends. I don't know if I have enough left in me for that.

It's been a slow night. Putting off school work. Burning incense, drinking cranberry juice, and watching Ciao Manhattan tapes. It makes you realize how insignificant your life is. It doesn't start until you live under the city lights and soak in everything around you. I can't wait for it.

Should of lasted longer.

My jacket smells like smoke, hair dye, and body spray. Good night.

We are golden.

I'm tired of convincing myself that everything is a sign. I've always had this mentality that when something happens, no matter how trivial, there's an ultimate reason. And more than not I get my hopes up and think more of something than what it really is. But it's all whatever in the end. Fall break started today. I'm ready to stay up late talking to foreigners online with starbucks in hand. I just wish you were here too.

Mental health day.

I needed one. I got one.

The Delivery Man

"I realized two things tonight," Michele says.

"What?"

"The first is that your girlfriend is fucking beautiful."

"Don't do this tonight."

But Michele isn't listening. "The second thing I realized" - Michele looks away and her lips are trembling and then she looks back at him - "is that I'm not loved . . . " Chase knows what she's going to say next. Michele grabs his face and turns it toward her and squeezes it. ". . . by anyone."

It takes a minute before Chase realizes that Julia is watching them.

Dear confused scenie prep kids.

I hope you enjoy most of my favorite bands on the New Moon soundtrack. Please don't ruin it for me. You still don't know good music. You're no where close to indie.

I'm not indie per say but I'd like to think I know good music.

I want short breaths.

I was watching Flipping Out today. Which if you haven't watched is basically...

A show takes a look at a peculiar real estate speculator, Jeff Lewis who lives in LA. He buys houses and "flips" them, selling them for a profit after fixing them up. He does so with the help of an unusual mix of disgruntled employees that he counts as friend.

It's all reality too. Go figure. So throughout last night's episode one of his client's, Chaz, was trying to convince Jeff to let him deal with the homeless person that had been there for twelve years on his property. And he had a whole story about how he had been meditating and asking for signs or a spirit to guide him to where his place of work should be built. So he and his partner were driving around Los Angeles and found an empty lot with a homeless lady sitting on the back porch. When Chaz's partner asked her what her name was she took off her sunglasses, stared straight into Chaz's eyes, and answered Sprit. Which Chaz took as the sign he had been looking for. At the end of the episode after Jeff finally agrees to let her stay on the property and build a shelter for her. She dies. But it was so profound. The impact it had on everyone. This homeless lady that no one had an attachment to other than the story they had heard about her. It just really made me feel so insignificant. I have my whole life ahead of me. It makes me just want to live it. To give myself a chance to be happy. Because god knows I've been far from it lately.

Side note: I'm in the mood to burn a candle and take a nap. I hate naps.

No invitation, take me away.

I'm sitting here. Shaking. Crying. I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt a low like this since two summers ago. And I'm afraid of what might happen next. And afraid to go to bed and get up with this state of mind tomorrow. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this kind of feeling.

When I grow up.

I'm tired of trying so hard for you. But I'll continue to. Plans are to go to another fair tomorrow. We have to leave at nine. Sunday is my sleeping in day. Oh well. Mother is buying me skinnies tonight. Britney Spears is stuck my head. Maybe I'll break in the jacket in this week. I got my peach kefir. I want to try my hand at writing a journal. Problem is you can't just go back and delete it like this. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I hate perfectionists though. My feet are cold but the rest of me is hot. I stay dressed until nine in case people want to hang out. Popcorn makes me feel fat. Don't let me eat more popcorn. I'm starting the Great Gatsby. I put the pore strip to high and it didn't get where most of my black heads are. Someone stole the developer from the photo lab so I could only make prints. I'm really starting to dig Fever Ray. I think I'm going to wake up before the sun tomorrow. Just because I miss mornings. We'll see how that goes.

Come lay with me on the ground

I'm staying in tonight. Listening to Passion Pit and Bright Eyes. Watching video blogs on youtube. Drinking starbucks. And talking to strangers online. It can't turn out good. I don't think I've ever had a friday night at home where I didn't die of boredom or have something come up that makes me pissed off or depressed.

I'm ready for my class tomorrow. Developing film has become really therapeutic for me. Probably because I'm not concentrating on petty teenage angst. And I'm actually satisfied with what I've taken this week. I just hope they turn out how I wanted them to.

My dad saw me looking for winter jackets on Urban and had me go upstairs with him to his closet, where he then gave me his old Banana Republic bomber jacket from the eighties. As if it couldn't get any better, it turned out to be the same one he wore every day he was in London twenty some years ago. Complete with a vintage pair of gloves from London. Once the musty smell is gone I'm going to live in this thing. Photos of it on my daily booth soon.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is on hold. It's kind of disappointing. I may move on to something else though. I'll come back to it eventually. I promise. I'd never leave a book unfinished.

Side note: I need to fix my computer so they realize starbucks is the correct spelling.

Side side note: The heater is on. And it feels fucking amazing.

You told me the distance would make us stronger. That it'd make us more grateful for each other once we were together. But it's also the one thing that could tear us apart. I still like you. I hope you do too.

Everyday after the last bell rings for school I walk out the nearest door and stand out in the cold for five minutes waiting for the buses to come. It's just so peaceful for me. I wish I could walk home from school. Reminds of those movies where the person in a heavy fall jacket steps on all the fallen brightly coloured leaves with the wind blowing in their face. I want that.

If tonight was any indication of the month to come. I'm fucking stoked.

September is the worst month ever. Nothing happens and the weather is less than satisfactory. I'm ready for October. For orange leaves falling from tall trees, pumpkin patches, hay rides, heavy jackets, overcast afternoons, an excuse to stay in and read, heaters, apple juice that doesn't taste gross, fall break, bonfires, and long nights. Yes please.

Side note: Whenever I look out my window this little girl across the street is always in her yard. She lays in the grass and looks at the sky. Picks up piles of leaves only to drop them in another place. And cautiously walks barefoot on the cold sidewalk. I want that kind of confidence. That comes with being a kid and having no shame. But that can be balanced out with innocence.

Something's got to change.

Tomorrow's a new day. And I plan on taking full advantage of it.

With the flip of a switch.

It can all be over. Because it should of been done a long time ago.

We can begin again. Shed all our skin, let the sunshine in.

Before we start with my friday night rambling. Watch this. Listen to this.

I haven't seen sunlight in what I'm convinced the past five days. It's either been overcast or pouring down rain from black skies. With a fuck it attitude I finally got my roll of film done. So I'll stop bitching about it now. Today was actually pretty good. I mean school was school. But something felt different. I can only this trend follows into next week. I had an awesome dream last night. I'm not planning on elaborating on it. It's kind of personal. And brought up some feelings I'm a little more than confused by. I don't know if that's the right word. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is getting really good. It doesn't necessarily make you want to go out and change some aspect of your life. But definitely gets you thinking. Which I can appreciate. Currently craving a late night coffee run, deep conversation, and neon lights against a faintly lit sky.

I feel like I'm slowly drifting from them. I hope I'm not. I want this to work out. I really do. But it gets so difficult at times. I'm better with face to face interaction. I've kept it up since July though. I can tough it out a little longer. It's worth waiting for.

While we're here. Let's see what happens...

About this lovely one night stand.

I finally watched Before Sunset. It's one of those movies you don't know if you like right away. You have to sit through the credits and think about it. I loved the intimate dialect though. The awkward silences. The progression of the conversation as they moved through the streets of Paris. I'd definitely suggest it. I think I'm going to watch it again. I want to soak in the whole meaning. Here's the trailer. I'll probably post later tonight. I just thought this one deserved it's own.

The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil. Right?

Thursday thought process.

Been listening to a lot of The Pains of Being Pure at Heart the past few days. They're a little on the noisy side but I'm learning to love it. A Teenager In Love and Higher than the Stars are worth checking out. I still need to finish that roll. I love procrastinating. I haven't really talked to them in four days. It feels weird. My dad is in Baltimore and willing to get me clothes from American Apparel. I told him exactly what I wanted. Watch him get it four sizes to big so I can grow into it. It's been dreary and raining all week. It might as well be snowing. It's so damn cold. The Office is on tonight. That makes me happy.

I apologize for the jumbled mess of ideas. This has been my thought process for the past few days. Scattered. I want in sleep in saturday morning. Too bad I cant for the next ten weeks.

Side note: The state threatened to suspend my license because apparently my insurance didn't send in the forms they were supposed to after my accident. Which is bull shit and really funny because I don't even have my lisence. So you can suck Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles

All things grow.

Loving Ashley right now for showing me this. From the Little Miss Sunshine movie and bound to put in a good mood whenever I need it from now on. It's been rainy all day. I like it. One of the things that makes me happy the most. Outside consisting of overcast skies and damp pavement from the rain. And the warm comfort of my bedroom with a window looking out onto the scene of peaceful chaos. I think if it starts up again I'll go outside and lay on my driveway. Letting my pores soak up every drop. I'm feeling spontaneous. Or maybe thats just me craving starbucks.

Sundays are slow.

Twilight has ruined my life. And the title has nothing to do with it.

More and more, it's looking like the The Twilight Saga: New Moon soundtrack will be this fall's Dark Was the Night. We've already heard "Meet Me on the Equinox", Death Cab for Cutie's new song from the teen vampire movie sequel. Director ChrisWeitz has said that both Thom Yorke and Bon Iver have written new songs for the movie. And now we can confirm this New York Times report that Grizzly Bear will also pop up on the soundtrack. Will Vampire Weekend be next, or is that just too obvious? The Times article also mentions that the Killers will be on the soundtrack, which has also been confirmed. New Moon music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas told theTimes that the album's tracklist will be finalized and announced tomorrow. I can't believe I'm excited about this! Patsavas also told the Times why this movie's soundtrack moved away from that of the first Twilight movie, which featured bands like Paramore, Linkin Park, and Collective Soul: "This is a much more somber movie than Twilight. There is a lot of love lost, so the artists that are going to make up the soundtrack reflect that longing-- a lot of acoustic instruments, a lot of a cappella singing. This soundtrack definitely feels a bit more indie than the last one." The Times mentions that a tour of Hot Topic stores is in the works, featuring soundtrack contributors. Thom Yorke and Grizzly Bear at your local mall, y'all! Via Pitchfork

You don't realize how much this frustrates me. Can twilight fans even appreciate this kind of music? I highly doubt it. They can all go fuck themselves and they're imaginary sparkling vampire while listening to Lil' Wayne.

Speaking of music... I've been listening to a lot of Concrete Blonde lately. And I love it. But it makes you wonder what other bands you've been missing out on because they're not current. I've had Mexican Moon and Caroline on repeat all day. My dad suggested them to me too. Go figure.

As I sit here typing this in an old sweater and drinking starbucks while it rains outside... I realize I'm really starting to crave winter. I love warm weather and sunny days but growing accustomed to it has me longing for falling snow and indoor heaters. I just hope it doesn't come to soon. My wardrobe isn't ready for the transition.

Lastly in case you were wondering. The photography class wasn't that bad and one of the instructors is quit attractive so it doesn't make it so hard to get up at six in the morning. The camera I was going to use was a piece of shit so I just got a used one from Robert's for ninety dollars. It's still nice though. And it's finally a manual and 35mm. I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time putting this one down.

Long post. But I don't think I have in a while. Hope everyone has a good sunday and their week starts off right.

Side note: My parents thought they got me to eat meat for lunch today. Little did they know I fed it all to the dog.

Current obsessions and inspirations.

Photography as always. Both breathtaking. Aimee Brodeur and Shannon. I hate summaries. Only because I'm horrible at them. So I'll let the photos be the words.

Aimee Bender

Shannon

Obsessions include a band I found in one of my old Under the Radar magazines. Icelandic band Hjaltalín. Don't ask me how to pronounce it. I love their style. Some english some other language I can't make out. Just a great vibe. I love everything about them. Although Traffic Song is their big hit I've really been drawn to Suitcase Man. Also the search for a wool cardigan which has come up with nothing. I think I need to stop being so specific. I start my photography class tomorrow. I'm nervous. But I'm sure it'll be fine. Trying to stay positive.

Side note: Links are in all the names.

It is a debatable topic.

Ashley Hahaha you just had all these like inward looking statuses haha It made me laugh kinda :]] I hate smiley faces. Forget I did that.

Anderson Lol. Should they be less inward looking?

Ashley Perhaps. It is a debatable topic.

Anderson Like every other thing

Ashley Like abortion and marriage. Haha

Anderson Im still mad that you think that I would only have that view on marriage to be different

I mean if someone wants to get married go for it. Thats their thing. I just think in todays society its better not to. I think the commitment adds to the stress thats already put on the relationship

Ashley Well you don't really have anything to back it up.. Haha. And I see where you're coming from I just think it's silly because when you're so in love with a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you will hardly be thinking of your stress level. Every relationship is going to be under a strain at some point and no relationship is perfect

Anderson Yeah. I mean were never going to agree. haha. Its just I myself dont ever plan on getting married

Ashley Well I mean I get that. But your opinion could still change (:

Anderson Its weird because were such opposites but then were not? haha

Ashley Like honestly the main thing I look forward to in life is marriage

Anderson Thats where were different. I look forward to finding the one

Ashley and babies. And that's pretty much all I care about accomplishing Why would you ever marry anyone who wasn't the one?

Anderson Why any other person does. Theyre tired of looking. You get old. You dont have time anymore. Its time to settle down. You settle for less. I think thats quit common actually. I think most people settle for what they can find. How do you know the one isnt in Paris or Denver if you're stuck in Indiana only looking in Indiana. And because theyre not looking they settle for someone their to. Because theyre running out of time and its convenient

Sorry to burst your bubble but most marriages fail because their was never anything their to begin with. You can only convince yourself for so long

Ashley Well that's not what I meant. I refuse to settle. If I was open to settling I would have been in more relationships by now. And they would all suck. But that isn't the case. When I say I look forward to marriage most, I mean I look forward to finding that person the most because that is what marriage is to me.

Anderson But what of that doesnt happen until you're 40? Would you wait?

Ashley And I really don't want to get into religion, but I feel like God would bring me to that person no matter what. And I think that marriage is so important to me that he wouldn't force me to be single at 40 either. I realize that is entirely wishful thinking, but what good does pessimism bring you? Even though I am secretly a pessimist. I think about that all the time "What if I don't find someone?" It scares the crap out of me. But you never know until it happens/doesn't happen But I do know for a FACT that even if I wasn't married at 40, I would never marry someone who wasn't the perfect person for me

Do you see at all where I'm coming from though? At least tell me you believe in true love.

Anderson Yeah. But I dont have God on my side. I dont want someone nagging me to get married to get married. And do it for that. Id rather just never get married and not have that pressure or hurry Of course. I just think its hard to come by

And then it goes on to other stuff. haha. My monday nights consist of this. I need a life