September is the worst month ever. Nothing happens and the weather is less than satisfactory. I'm ready for October. For orange leaves falling from tall trees, pumpkin patches, hay rides, heavy jackets, overcast afternoons, an excuse to stay in and read, heaters, apple juice that doesn't taste gross, fall break, bonfires, and long nights. Yes please.

Side note: Whenever I look out my window this little girl across the street is always in her yard. She lays in the grass and looks at the sky. Picks up piles of leaves only to drop them in another place. And cautiously walks barefoot on the cold sidewalk. I want that kind of confidence. That comes with being a kid and having no shame. But that can be balanced out with innocence.

Something's got to change.

Tomorrow's a new day. And I plan on taking full advantage of it.

With the flip of a switch.

It can all be over. Because it should of been done a long time ago.

We can begin again. Shed all our skin, let the sunshine in.

Before we start with my friday night rambling. Watch this. Listen to this.

I haven't seen sunlight in what I'm convinced the past five days. It's either been overcast or pouring down rain from black skies. With a fuck it attitude I finally got my roll of film done. So I'll stop bitching about it now. Today was actually pretty good. I mean school was school. But something felt different. I can only this trend follows into next week. I had an awesome dream last night. I'm not planning on elaborating on it. It's kind of personal. And brought up some feelings I'm a little more than confused by. I don't know if that's the right word. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is getting really good. It doesn't necessarily make you want to go out and change some aspect of your life. But definitely gets you thinking. Which I can appreciate. Currently craving a late night coffee run, deep conversation, and neon lights against a faintly lit sky.

I feel like I'm slowly drifting from them. I hope I'm not. I want this to work out. I really do. But it gets so difficult at times. I'm better with face to face interaction. I've kept it up since July though. I can tough it out a little longer. It's worth waiting for.

While we're here. Let's see what happens...

About this lovely one night stand.

I finally watched Before Sunset. It's one of those movies you don't know if you like right away. You have to sit through the credits and think about it. I loved the intimate dialect though. The awkward silences. The progression of the conversation as they moved through the streets of Paris. I'd definitely suggest it. I think I'm going to watch it again. I want to soak in the whole meaning. Here's the trailer. I'll probably post later tonight. I just thought this one deserved it's own.

The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil. Right?

Thursday thought process.

Been listening to a lot of The Pains of Being Pure at Heart the past few days. They're a little on the noisy side but I'm learning to love it. A Teenager In Love and Higher than the Stars are worth checking out. I still need to finish that roll. I love procrastinating. I haven't really talked to them in four days. It feels weird. My dad is in Baltimore and willing to get me clothes from American Apparel. I told him exactly what I wanted. Watch him get it four sizes to big so I can grow into it. It's been dreary and raining all week. It might as well be snowing. It's so damn cold. The Office is on tonight. That makes me happy.

I apologize for the jumbled mess of ideas. This has been my thought process for the past few days. Scattered. I want in sleep in saturday morning. Too bad I cant for the next ten weeks.

Side note: The state threatened to suspend my license because apparently my insurance didn't send in the forms they were supposed to after my accident. Which is bull shit and really funny because I don't even have my lisence. So you can suck Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles

All things grow.

Loving Ashley right now for showing me this. From the Little Miss Sunshine movie and bound to put in a good mood whenever I need it from now on. It's been rainy all day. I like it. One of the things that makes me happy the most. Outside consisting of overcast skies and damp pavement from the rain. And the warm comfort of my bedroom with a window looking out onto the scene of peaceful chaos. I think if it starts up again I'll go outside and lay on my driveway. Letting my pores soak up every drop. I'm feeling spontaneous. Or maybe thats just me craving starbucks.

Sundays are slow.

Twilight has ruined my life. And the title has nothing to do with it.

More and more, it's looking like the The Twilight Saga: New Moon soundtrack will be this fall's Dark Was the Night. We've already heard "Meet Me on the Equinox", Death Cab for Cutie's new song from the teen vampire movie sequel. Director ChrisWeitz has said that both Thom Yorke and Bon Iver have written new songs for the movie. And now we can confirm this New York Times report that Grizzly Bear will also pop up on the soundtrack. Will Vampire Weekend be next, or is that just too obvious? The Times article also mentions that the Killers will be on the soundtrack, which has also been confirmed. New Moon music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas told theTimes that the album's tracklist will be finalized and announced tomorrow. I can't believe I'm excited about this! Patsavas also told the Times why this movie's soundtrack moved away from that of the first Twilight movie, which featured bands like Paramore, Linkin Park, and Collective Soul: "This is a much more somber movie than Twilight. There is a lot of love lost, so the artists that are going to make up the soundtrack reflect that longing-- a lot of acoustic instruments, a lot of a cappella singing. This soundtrack definitely feels a bit more indie than the last one." The Times mentions that a tour of Hot Topic stores is in the works, featuring soundtrack contributors. Thom Yorke and Grizzly Bear at your local mall, y'all! Via Pitchfork

You don't realize how much this frustrates me. Can twilight fans even appreciate this kind of music? I highly doubt it. They can all go fuck themselves and they're imaginary sparkling vampire while listening to Lil' Wayne.

Speaking of music... I've been listening to a lot of Concrete Blonde lately. And I love it. But it makes you wonder what other bands you've been missing out on because they're not current. I've had Mexican Moon and Caroline on repeat all day. My dad suggested them to me too. Go figure.

As I sit here typing this in an old sweater and drinking starbucks while it rains outside... I realize I'm really starting to crave winter. I love warm weather and sunny days but growing accustomed to it has me longing for falling snow and indoor heaters. I just hope it doesn't come to soon. My wardrobe isn't ready for the transition.

Lastly in case you were wondering. The photography class wasn't that bad and one of the instructors is quit attractive so it doesn't make it so hard to get up at six in the morning. The camera I was going to use was a piece of shit so I just got a used one from Robert's for ninety dollars. It's still nice though. And it's finally a manual and 35mm. I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time putting this one down.

Long post. But I don't think I have in a while. Hope everyone has a good sunday and their week starts off right.

Side note: My parents thought they got me to eat meat for lunch today. Little did they know I fed it all to the dog.

Current obsessions and inspirations.

Photography as always. Both breathtaking. Aimee Brodeur and Shannon. I hate summaries. Only because I'm horrible at them. So I'll let the photos be the words.

Aimee Bender

Shannon

Obsessions include a band I found in one of my old Under the Radar magazines. Icelandic band Hjaltalín. Don't ask me how to pronounce it. I love their style. Some english some other language I can't make out. Just a great vibe. I love everything about them. Although Traffic Song is their big hit I've really been drawn to Suitcase Man. Also the search for a wool cardigan which has come up with nothing. I think I need to stop being so specific. I start my photography class tomorrow. I'm nervous. But I'm sure it'll be fine. Trying to stay positive.

Side note: Links are in all the names.

It is a debatable topic.

Ashley Hahaha you just had all these like inward looking statuses haha It made me laugh kinda :]] I hate smiley faces. Forget I did that.

Anderson Lol. Should they be less inward looking?

Ashley Perhaps. It is a debatable topic.

Anderson Like every other thing

Ashley Like abortion and marriage. Haha

Anderson Im still mad that you think that I would only have that view on marriage to be different

I mean if someone wants to get married go for it. Thats their thing. I just think in todays society its better not to. I think the commitment adds to the stress thats already put on the relationship

Ashley Well you don't really have anything to back it up.. Haha. And I see where you're coming from I just think it's silly because when you're so in love with a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you will hardly be thinking of your stress level. Every relationship is going to be under a strain at some point and no relationship is perfect

Anderson Yeah. I mean were never going to agree. haha. Its just I myself dont ever plan on getting married

Ashley Well I mean I get that. But your opinion could still change (:

Anderson Its weird because were such opposites but then were not? haha

Ashley Like honestly the main thing I look forward to in life is marriage

Anderson Thats where were different. I look forward to finding the one

Ashley and babies. And that's pretty much all I care about accomplishing Why would you ever marry anyone who wasn't the one?

Anderson Why any other person does. Theyre tired of looking. You get old. You dont have time anymore. Its time to settle down. You settle for less. I think thats quit common actually. I think most people settle for what they can find. How do you know the one isnt in Paris or Denver if you're stuck in Indiana only looking in Indiana. And because theyre not looking they settle for someone their to. Because theyre running out of time and its convenient

Sorry to burst your bubble but most marriages fail because their was never anything their to begin with. You can only convince yourself for so long

Ashley Well that's not what I meant. I refuse to settle. If I was open to settling I would have been in more relationships by now. And they would all suck. But that isn't the case. When I say I look forward to marriage most, I mean I look forward to finding that person the most because that is what marriage is to me.

Anderson But what of that doesnt happen until you're 40? Would you wait?

Ashley And I really don't want to get into religion, but I feel like God would bring me to that person no matter what. And I think that marriage is so important to me that he wouldn't force me to be single at 40 either. I realize that is entirely wishful thinking, but what good does pessimism bring you? Even though I am secretly a pessimist. I think about that all the time "What if I don't find someone?" It scares the crap out of me. But you never know until it happens/doesn't happen But I do know for a FACT that even if I wasn't married at 40, I would never marry someone who wasn't the perfect person for me

Do you see at all where I'm coming from though? At least tell me you believe in true love.

Anderson Yeah. But I dont have God on my side. I dont want someone nagging me to get married to get married. And do it for that. Id rather just never get married and not have that pressure or hurry Of course. I just think its hard to come by

And then it goes on to other stuff. haha. My monday nights consist of this. I need a life

More room inspiration.

I have now looked at every photo on The Selby individually.

I'll probably be posting more from the second one. Amazing. I'm envious

The whole world a blur.

Considering my lack of concentration and inability to right anything of importance I think I'll just make a list of this weekend's events 1. Attempted to read more of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance 2. Worked out 3. Finally watched the finale of The Real World 4. Sat on Hannah's driveway and talked about unimportant things teenagers talk about 5. Fell asleep on skype 6. Woke up at six before realizing it was Saturday 7. Went to the Penrod Arts Fair 8. Complained about the heat 9. Ate at a rundown Caribbean restaurant where the waitress told me to come back soon and used my first name which makes me feel obligated. But I don't mind 10. Bought a Sigur Ros CD at a local record store in downtown Broadripple 11. Filled up on pasta 12. Cleaned my room 13. Washed my face

I slept between five and six. Currently waiting for someone to call me back. Kinda sleepy. Kinda cold. I should probably shut the window now.

One of these days you're going to figure yourself out.

I followed Peter out of the apartment and up the service stairs all the way to the top. He pushed the door open and guided me to the cold tarred rooftop. He took off one of his shoes and used it to prop the door open so we wouldn't be stranded outside in the cold. I walked to the ledge and saw the lights of the city as they spread in panorama that twinkled before us.

Building code in Washington had always prohibited anything in the city from being taller than the Capitol or the Washington Monument. The effect created a panorama of white marble and green parks when seen from above. The town houses of Georgetown that I'd grown up among were packed side by side and stood no taller than three stories, but the density of them blocks the view most of the city enjoys. Our sheltered and affluent village of shops and cafe's allowed me to ignore the Washington skyline while the rooftop of the Ontario gave me an expansive view.

Peter placed the boom box on the ledge and pressed play. "New Year's Day" by U2 blasted out of the speakers. It felt as though the song was carried by the lights of the DC night. Without a word Peter and I took it all in as I listened to the hard guitar work, steady drums, and strong rally call of Bono. My eyes watched headlights stream along the avenues alongside iconic buildings that were dramatically lit in a way that made them glow as if illuminated from within. The beauty was immense but the air was cold on the rooftop. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shivered as I held my jaw tight and tried to keep my teeth from chattering.

Peter stepped closer to me from behind. He cupped the palms of his hands on my shoulder and rubbed up and down briskly, just as Aaron always did whenever I felt chilled around him The memory caused my eyes to water before Peter broke the memory with his words.

"You wouldn't really want to have missed all of this, would you? One of these days you're going to figure yourself out. You'll figure out who you are. You'll make someone else happy then. You'll make a great boyfriend, someday."

With the gentle pressure of his palms he turned me to face him, then he leaned forward and kissed me gently on the lips. For the second time that night, I didn't respond to a kiss. I stood and stared through it.

All is quiet on New Year's Day... I will begin again.

Nineteen eighty-seven started with a resolution in lyrics.

Phenomenal book. Raw. Real. Relatable. Check it out. Titled Pop Salvation

I can't even remember her name.

I went to this camp once in northern Indiana for a week. It was overnight. Right on the lake. And surprisingly pretty lenient. They would have these parties every night for the older kids. One of the first nights there was one at this party at the point. A little stretch of land that jutted out into the lake. With volleyball, loud music, paper lanterns, and bonfires. Not tacky though. It was really cool. So I was chilling at this old table on the end of the point when a girl came over and started talking to me. She looked familiar. I never figured out why. Either way we just hung out and talked the whole night. She was so real. We don't have people like that where I'm from. I spent the rest of my week with her and her best friend. Laying out by the dock and whenever else we had down time. I made sure she was the first person I said goodbye to before I left. I never got her contact information or anything. I can't even remember her name.

A few years ago I was at a local mall with some friends when I heard someone shout my name. Like in disbelief that it was actually me. I turned around and it was the girl from camp. But instead of running up to me she ran back inside the store she had just seen me from. For some reason I freaked and left as quickly as possible. Jump to this past summer when I was at an art fair downtown. I saw her again. The girl from camp. Who had always looked familiar. Now for the second time. I decided this time I would say something. I introduced myself. And learned that since then she had moved to Michigan. And was visiting with some family. It was a brief conversation. And she apologized. She didn't remember me. I wanted to talk to her and remind her of everything to see if it would click. But she had to go. Sometimes I think maybe I'll run into her again some day. And we'll finally exchange information. And talk like we did three summers ago. Part of me doesn't though. Part of me wants it to be a quick glance or awkward conversation. Leaving with the hope that maybe it'll happen again.

Sleepyhead.

The past few nights I've been going to bed earlier and waking up later. Not because I'm sick or anything. Or that I work a lot during the day. But because I'd rather sleep and dream about what things could be rather than sit and realize they won't. I'm tired of it though. I'm going to stop fantasizing so much. Make those dreams a reality. Live the wonders of my subconscious mind. Realize what I'm really missing.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure to whom. But sitting here listening to Florence and the Machine. Thinking about everything. Tears welling under my eyes. And the only words I can think to say are that I'm sorry. I don't know what I did. Maybe I did everything. Maybe everything is wrong. I'm not sure. I just know I'm sorry. The tears are gone now. I think I liked it better when I felt them there just now. I need to feel something. Something to show me I'm alive and normal. Something to show me everything's going to be okay. I'm so incomplete. I just don't know anymore. Tomorrow I'll wake up same as any day. Take a hot shower. Convince myself it makes me feel better. Spend too long on my appearance to impress no one. And go out into the world. Live a life I'm tired of living. Stick the thought in the back of my brain. And forget about it. I don't have a choice right now. I'm stuck in central Indiana. Without a clue. Without someone to hold me. Without someone to laugh with. I'm here on my own. I don't have a choice anymore. And I hate it.

These don't come often do they? I try not to burden you with my problems. But I just had to something. Anything.

Nostalgia sets in.

I don't want to go back to that time. I don't want to associate myself with those kinds of people. I'm happy where I am. I'm satisfied with where I'm going. I've grown. I've matured. I've realized what's important. And although I don't want things to be like how they used to be. I texted you last night. I'm still waiting on an answer. I'm sorry I dropped you like that. You deserved better.

I think of the clouds. They never fall from the sky.

When I was little I used to think about heaven. About how once you got there you'd be there forever. And it would never end. It gave me chills. I got scared of forever. How much it was to grasp at such a young age. I couldn't even think about being grown up let alone the rest of forever. Years later to present time... I don't believe in God anymore. I've given up on the concept of heaven. But I think about it going on forever. And it still gives me chills.

Current obsessions and inspiration.

Blogger Cavaan. Her landscapes are breathtaking and dreamy. Her portraits are flawless. And the writing that goes along with it is relatable and bound to make you think. I just love everything about it. She's got some amazing talent. So check it out. Link is in the name. You won't be disappointed.

we made the necklace and feather headband in the photos, that was fun. you know when you live in the city for a certain time, you forget life outside, you forget how ethereal everything is without cement or concrete. you forget a place of never ending plains, deep forests, and clear skies painted by the milky way. somehow this reminded me of when i went to central australia. on my first night there, i looked up at the sky and fell into this melodic state. never in my life have i seen so many stars, and they were all in my reach. words can't even begin to describe, please put it on your to do list in life.

And now onto the obsessions... Ramen. Staying up late. Classic novels. Vintage tee shirts. Cloudy days. Records. Bonsai's. Finding ideas for my bedroom remodel. The swedish language and Big Brother. Most of them I've been blogging about so it's really nothing new. I need new obsessions though. I'm getting tired of them...

Saturday's are all the same.

The perfect saturday:

Wake up early. Get a coffee. Stare out your window and think about shit. Forget to take a shower but still smell fine. Have an intelligent conversation. Fine someplace new. Hang out in a park. Read an old novel. Eat light. Shop for vintage anything. Fall asleep with them

My saturday:

Wake up late. Drink a cheap Starbucks coffee in a a bottle. Look out one little shutter of your blinds and complain about how bright it is. Read blogs and listen to the same music on youtube over and over. Take a shower. Look like you did when you got up. Run errands. Buy something that will supposedly enhance your appearance but doesn't. Attempt to read and instead get a migraine from three little dogs. Go back to reading blogs and listening to music. Eat too much. Feel fat. Stay up late talking to people you don't know. Fall asleep thinking about them

This is why I hate weekends. I need a car dude

Trying to read.

Can be really difficult when... my house always has either a tv blaring the news, my brother's music on, someone talking over the tv and music, or the dogs barking. So I couldnt concentrate. Maybe tomorrow. I need to get back into it. I want to read Revolutionary Road too. I've been really interested in the classics lately

Cleopatra sure did get around.

Talking to a friend about Caesar. We just finished the book and were curious as to the rumored relationship she had with Julius and Marc Antony. So she looked on her phone and I just have to share this with you. Pretty freaking insane for two thousand years ago.

In 47 BC, Cleopatra had a son, Ptolomy Caesarion, whom she claimed to be fathered by Julius Caesar. Although Caesar refused to make the boy his heir, against Cleopatra's wishes, naming his grand-nephew Octavian instead. Cleopatra and Caesarion visited Caesar in Rome in 46 BC, but had returned to Egypt after his assassination. Upon her return, she then proceeded to have her own brother/husband "disposed" of, possibly poisoned, and then instated her son Caesarion as her new co-regent. The death of Julius Caesar on the 15th March 44 BC was followed by civil war in the Roman Empire. His assassins, led by Brutus and Cassius, were defeated by Mark Anthony and Octavian, Caesar's adopted son and heir. In the settlement that followed, Mark Anthony took the Eastern section of the Roman Empire, and Octavian took the West.

Various political manoeuvres then led Cleopatra to be summoned to a meeting with Mark Anthony at Tarsus. He spent the winter at Alexandria, after which Cleopatra bore him twins. On 25th December 40 BC she gave birth to a boy and a girl who were named Alexander Helios and Cleopatra Selene (II) respectively. Four years later, in 37 BC, Antony visited Alexandria again while on route to make war with the Parthians. He renewed his relationship with Cleopatra, and from this point on Alexandria would be his home. He married Cleopatra according to the Egyptian rite (a letter quoted in Suetonius suggests this), although he was at the time married to Octavia Minor, the sister of Octavian. He and Cleopatra had another child, Ptolemy Philadelphus. In 34 BC, under the "Donations of Alexandria", Mark Anthony divided various parts of the Eastern Roman Empire between Cleopatra and her children, legitimating his actions to the Senate by telling them that he was simply installing "client rulers" to these areas. Octavian, the brother of Mark Anthony's Roman wife had set his sights on the supreme power of the Roman Empire. Mark Anthony's behaviour with Cleopatra offered Octavian the perfect opportunity to initiate a propaganda campaign against his brother-in-law and Cleopatra, until finally in 32 BC, Rome declared war on her.

In 33 BC Octavian managed to defeat Mark Anthony at the naval battle of Actium. For some unknown reason, Cleopatra's fleet had unexpectedly withdrawn from the battle. Octavian then pursued both Mark Anthony and Cleopatra into Egypt, but finally on 10th August 30 BC, realising that "all was in effect lost", and mistakenly thinking that Cleopatra was already dead, Mark Anthony committed suicide. Cleopatra followed suit a few days later, preferring death to the humiliation of a Roman triumph. Caesarion, Cleopatra's son by Caesar, was proclaimed pharaoh by Egyptians, but Octavian had him captured and executed. On 30th August 30 BC, he proclaimed himself "Pharaoh of Egypt". After a culture that had spanned thousands of years, Egypt was conquered and inaugurated as a province into the Eastern Roman Empire.

So basically Cleopatra had a thing for roman guys. Got busy with Julius and then Marc Antony just after Caesar's assignation. Has children with both of them. And apparently after Cleopatra and Marc Antony died Antony's wife took care of there children... If People magazine existed two thousand years ago they'd be orgasming over this shit. Like can you imagine living under that sort of rule? It'd definitely keep you entertained. Well I guess Shakespeare wrote a book on the whole thing and I'd totally read it if his fancy writing didn't give me a headache. So maybe next time

Side note: I'm a little disappointed. Cleopatra isn't very good looking at all

I start to drift.

I slept for four hours this afternoon. I had three tests today. Two in class writing assignments. And I'm exhausted. Gonna be a long year. I'm still really tired. I don't get this. I was hoping if I napped I'd be able to stay up later and compensate for the missed hours but at this rate I may just end up getting ten hours of sleep tonight. Geez. Well this is really exciting. I'm sorry I have nothing better to write about. I'm just focused on the school work right now. Almost friday? Long weekend? Thank god

Sidenote: I'm addicted to Stereofix. They remind me of The Killers and that makes me happy

I don't what I'm worried about.

There's always been distance. There always will be. This shouldn't be any different. But I feel like it is.

On the mind.

Over the years as texting has become more and more a part of daily life. All hours of the day. I've noticed something. Texting is basically a necessity of life. I know I myself wake up, turn off my alarm, and check my messages. Very first. Before I can barely open my eyes. Phones out and on. Me replying to missed messages from the night before. It's so normal though. I know I'm not the only one. And as it comes apart of our daily life it mocks other basic subconscious actions. I've noticed (most commonly at lunches or conversations with friends) that if I go to check the time or messages on my phone. The other person will subconsciously check their phone too. Just because you did. I do it to. Without thinking. But I do. I just find it humorous. Yawning is contagious. You probably just did after reading that. Well right now you're probably checking or looking for your phone too. It's habit. We rely on it. Whether we need it or not it's there and apart of us as much as yawning is. Sad? A little. But it's to be expected. Next time you're out for coffee or talking over lunch take out your phone. I guarantee they will too.

Can someone please explain to me everyone's obsession with Johnny Depp? I'm very confused by him. I see his face all over people's myspace pages and on there list of favorite actors. I mean he played a dirty pirate in three movies. Awesome? I think he played a writer too. I think. But he's not even hot. I think he looks like a mexican pedophile to be quit honest. Especially with the little half stache. And then all those hair phases he went through. I'm just a little confused. If you're gonna have a celebrity crush or fantasy at least pick someone decently attractive. But hey whatever floats your damn boat. Even if that's a dirty pirate played by a mexican pedophile with a weird taste in clothing, greasy hair, a strange fit body, and a half stache. Have fun with THAT.

Lastly. I need an opinion. Fleece hoodie from Am Appy or flannel shirt from Urban? I know they're totally opposites but I can only pick one. Underwear is expensive and I need some...