ALL I WANT IN MY LIFE RN IS 2 GET IN2 EMILY CARR AND BE IN VANCOUVER ASAP

The one that had it all together and was always ready for a relationship is the only one that's still single.

I can't let him make me vulnerable again. I can't let myself fall for him again. Not when I was finally starting to moving on. Not after he has completely.

To dream that you break something, indicates that changes are ahead for you. You need to "break" away from some situation and change the direction that your life is headed in. Alternatively, to break something suggests that you need to take things slower as in "take a break".

It breaks my heart to hear him talk about how he's found the one. He describes how perfect he is and when he does I just see myself. Everything I tried to be for him and everything I was. So the only question I have before you go is what did he have that I didn't?

So easily replaced. You're next.

The choice is ultimately mine to make.

I finally started living in the present and it became too much to bare. The past is too frustrating. I'm not hopeful enough for the future. Everything's gone to shit and all I can do is feel it. I'm trying so hard with him but I feel like it's not enough when all I'm faced with is opposition and questions of authenticity or strength. He told me I was immature not to be happy for him. I think it's immature that he's doing this to himself. But I'm lost on my own; and the irony of it all is that the ones I feel lost from are MIA preoccupied with the ones they love. I'm telling myself it's time to grow. That I didn't really have it all figured out. Realizing that this is what I could of meant by summer of new beginnings. Not the summer of falling in love but of letting everything that I loved go. Not for good but just enough that I can come into my own and create my own happiness. It's still hard. I'm just hoping that things start looking up soon. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm reaching out to new people. Nowhere to go but up. I miss you. I miss us. All of us.

It's harder to be okay with it when he's not here. It'll just take some getting used to. I'm glad he's still here though. I'm glad I'm his best friend.

Everything feels empty. I've been telling everyone I feel different. I've changed. But I think really LA just showed me that this was never meant to be at all.

Sunday - Made each other's acquaintance at an all night diner

Monday - Saw Ice T and Coco with their dog and entourage looking for a bathroom in the E! offices

Tuesday - Hit the garage with the car

Wednesday - Made a quick appearance at a bar in WeHo and left to drive up to The Hills and look over The Valley

Thursday - Lusted over a boy at a club

Friday - Wandered around LACMA

Saturday - Ate lunch in Malibu and mingled at a charity event at Paramount Pictures

Sunday - Met Lisa Vanderpump and Jenny Pulos in the VIP tent at LA Pride

I always do the wrong thing when I'm with him. All I want is to be perfect. It's a learning experience and I'm failing miserably.

I looked for him as I walked out to my car on the tennis courts. It wasn't hard to notice him. I sat for a minute to watch him serve before I started my car and pulled out of the parking lot. I thought about how odd it was that I always see him but he never sees me. Reaffirming my belief that we met to simply be there for each other, even if we can't always be together. I told myself I loved him. I tried not to question it. I was a cheap guardian angel; and I'm not even religious.

Everyone comes back to haunt you here.

I want my photography to feel like a dreamy distant memory. Something that can't be recreated. A candid intimate moment that makes you feel uncomfortable for intruding or longing to have been there to experience it.

Never worth fighting for.

This week has been surreal. Everything that's happened now seems so distant. Like a nostalgic memory or simple fantasy you rely on to cheer you up when everything else has gone to shit. Subconsciously escaping from reality. Except this was reality, and I loved living every minute of it.

The balloons took up half of the backseat but we stayed there for a while. He didn't think I could wait but it's moments like that that made it easier.

Shame on me.

I can't believe it's already over.

Today came with a realization. Tomorrow's a fresh start. I'm following my heart and leaving it to fate.

I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Everything was so sudden. I have faith though. Everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will. Nowhere to go but up.

O wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world
That has such people in't!

It's a new feeling, not having to wait. I'm learning to get used to it; by living in the moment, making myself better, making it last. Letting everything come naturally and hoping for the best.

Do you remember that night I told you I like you too much and you didn't get what I meant? This is it.

That's when you know you've found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.

Leave it.

I don't know what I was expecting.

I like to think that when you're with him you're still thinking of me, but just like anything else with you I try not to get my hopes up. I can't be upset though. You always make up for it somehow.

I went to Somewhere by myself. I sat in the back hoping maybe he'd show up. It was kind of like a distant memory. Leaving too much time for me to remember what was happening around me. Loneliest night of my life, and it was exactly what I needed.

I let go and lived in the moment. Everything felt so right.

Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night, suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life.

Hibernation until summer. Forget everything in my sleep.

2011 started with a kiss. Here's to making the most of it.