New year's resolutions.

- Stay skinny

- Travel somewhere warm

- Make out with someone attractive

- Be more outgoing

- Tell them how I really feel

Welcoming the new year.

It’s amazing to me how much I’ve grown. I always feel like I’m in a rut. No progress. Stuck in a small town in Indiana with nothing to do. Trying to get through each day same as the other. But I have to realize how much the year of 2009 has changed me, whether that be relationships, travels, experiences. Just anything. In the continuing process of trying to truly find myself so many things happened to me along the way. I found myself in DC happier than I’d been in such a long time. I found myself getting closer to Rachael and realizing my dream of southern California living. I found my passion of photography to be improving with every photo I took. I found myself in a disfunctional online summer fling, realizing things I would of never imagined about myself. I found myself surrounded by people that I can open to and just live my life with, not having to worry about anything but having a good time and living life to the fullest. I’m ready to grow even more this next year. Develop long lasting relationships with the people I’ve become so close to and flourish in new ones. Anything is possible. Anything can happen. Even when you live in a small town in Indiana.

Tis the season.

I hate to bombard with posts. Especially posts with lots of photos. But I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Maybe this is to myself. I'm never sure if anyone reads these thoughts of mine. Either way, Merry Christmas. I hope it's very festive and eventful. Who's ready for 2010? This is exciting.

Side note: Santa is nearing Indianapolis according to Santa Tracker. I better get my ass to bed.

Damn you's a sexy bitch.

I hung out with Sydney today. We had a good time. Sunglasses on a cloudy day, messy breakfast food, laying out on comfortable couches at Starbucks, browsing at Half Priced Books, searching for Lady Gaga on the radio, and good conversation. Love that girl.

Cardigans, Holden Caulfield, and The Royal Tenenbaums.

I've decided that from now on I'm just going to wear lot's of chunky knit cardigans and undershirts or deep v's. This is when I feel most attractive.

I'm really enjoying Franny and Zooey. J. D. Salinger can do no wrong. I aspire to be Holden Caulfield and Zooey Glass.

It's strange.

Everything. I'm without my computer due to hard drive troubles. My life is on that thing. I hated knowing I would lose it all. But it might possibly be for the best. My old self is on that computer. In some weird way I want to get it over with and throw it out of my second story window onto the snow covered concrete below. I met you on that computer. I cried onto the keyboard too many times. I watched too many things happen on that screen. And I wasted too many hours letting it's glow illuminate my surroundings. I'm probably thinking too much. But I don't think I'll miss it. Really. I can start over. It's not that big of a deal.

Last night was enjoyable.

I never got my strawberry banana smoothie, but Sydney and I make a cute couple.

The Virgin Suicides.

Why is it always that I don't like a movie until days after I've watched it. Well the more I think about it the more I want to watch it again. Although it lacked in some areas, the feelings it emitted made it beautiful. The Virgin Suicides. Powerful stuff.

Monday night therapy session.

Driving lessons, grande mochas, iPod games and imitating Rachael via text at the swim meet, dinner date at Applebee's, and "mini shopping adventures" at Target consisting of baby shower invitations, ugly school supplies, and gorgeous cashiers. Tonight has been therapeutic to say the least. Is it really Monday night? This seems so wrong.

Analyzing Tik Tok.

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer. Ain't got no money in my pocket, but Im already here. Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

I'm pretty indifferent to this whole song. It was on the radio for... what, two days? Give or take. My only complaint. Mick Jagger? Really? I agree with Ashley. I don't care if it's the only thing that rhymed with swagger. You have bad taste in men.

It's complicated.

Originally a facebook note from forever ago of sixteen things most people don't know about me. I edited some and am changing it to twenty.

1) I always ask people the question "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" when I'm trying to get to know them. And over the many question games I've played and had this also asked to me I've realized that mine is constantly changing. With the only common factor being that I want to do something with photography. It's what I love. I may not be where I want to be right now. But that's okay. Because I'm trying. And if I keep working I'll make it. I know it.

2) I want to learn. As much as possible. I'm afraid of being like the people on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?". Forgetting almost everything I've spent 16 years learning once I graduate from college. I want to be Cash Cab smart until I'm eighty.

3) J'aime parler francais. It's goal of mine to eventually be fluent. And although it may not benefit me as much in the states that's not really a concern of mine. I can't imagine speaking anything else.

4) Reading is something I'm really into. It puts me somewhere else. Away from all this bull shit that constantly is happening around us. I can get lost for hours. And unlike television or a movie that I'm just watching on a screen when I read I feel somewhere else. At peace. And with my life I need that.

5) Don't take a lot of what I say seriously. If you did you'd probably be on anti-depressants. Because sometimes I forget the just kidding part.

6) I would love to visit Iceland. I've destroyed this travel book I bought a little while back trying to dissect and comprehend everything I could possibly need to know. It's beautiful. Quaint. Everything I would normally hate but for some can only appreciate in this Narnia of the North Atlantic.

7) I'm ready to fall in love. But more importantly, to be loved just as much, to feel important, and to have a first kiss with the perfect one.

8) When I'm online and really bored. After I've exhausted Urban Outfitters website and the SocialVibe forums I just keep refreshing the Facebook home page waiting for something to happen...

9) I decide whether you're worth getting to know the first time I meet you. It's something I need to work on.

10) I'm a reality/celebreality television junkie. Having been graced with it every monday and sunday night which I'm sure has rotted a nice portion of my brain. But the spitting, plate throwing, slapping, yelling, and drinking is what I've come to know and love. Flavor Flav I thank you for Flavor of Love. God bless you.

11) The main thing I apsire for in my life is peace. Within myself and with people I meet everyday. Because I think once I achieve that everything else in my life will just fall into place.

12) I'm really interested in anything that is the mid twentieth century.

13) I collect the most random things in my wallet. Fortunes from fortune cookies, starbucks receipts only, and business cards of artists and galleries I'll never get in touch with.

14) I'm not much of a people person. I'm reserved, awkward, and just unsociable. I enjoy listening to music, reading about famous people, and daydreaming. I don't like talking the phone because it makes me flustered. I hate public speaking because I'm not used to being the center of attention. I'm not outgoing because I'm afraid of being judged. I wasn't always this way. Somewhere for some reason something in me changed and the over active ten year old that would talk to anyone turned into a sixteen year old that won't start a conversation with someone he doesn't know.

15) I'd like to live in Los Angeles. It's fake. It's trashy. It's commercial. It's superficial. And I love it.

16) Along with social interaction I lost all self confidence a long time ago. I don't look into anything with a reflection without noting yet another flaw or imperfection. Past infatuations, internet romances, friendships, and voices of strangers have taught me that I am imperfect. I am flawed. I'm not good enough. I'm not saying this for pity. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. It's just the sad truth. Always forever I will have something I can work on to make myself look better for someone else. When I get ready in the morning it's to impress them. When I get ready in the morning it's to look better in their eyes. I don't do much for me anymore. I don't know if I know how.

17) I envy sex and drug addicts, patients with mental illnesses, so on and so forth. Only because I feel like I would need some kind of mental breakdown for people to realize that I'm not okay.

18) I don't need cocaine, cigarettes, or vodka. I have venti soy mochas from Starbucks.

19) I'd like to photograph beautiful people in expensive clothing for a living. I may not be the best, but I've had far too many people tell me that I have a lot of potential to give this up so easily.

20) As upset, fragile, or vulnerable as I may seem, I'm just a person with depth. I feel, I experience, and I grow, in different and awkward ways. I'm making it as best I can day by day. Hoping for the best. That one day someone will come along and love me for me. That someday I'll be doing what I'm passionate about. That someday I'll live somewhere where it's warm all the time. That someday I'll be happy. Someday.

The girl across the street.

All afternoon she's been out in the freezing cold with her huge pale blue coat, pink boots, and matching gloves.. Managing in this time to make three snow angels, walk around in circles, try to slide down her driveway on a sled with no ice, punching the ground repeatedly when it didn't work, and tying the sled to a tree branch when she was done so it wouldn't blow away. I always wonder what she's going to be like when she's my age. I envy her curiosity.

Her fall antics.

It's been a long time.

I can't get you out of my head. I want to move on. You have. But what can I move on to? Nothing. I have nothing. I'm just waiting. Waiting for you to do something to me that hurts me so badly I must move on. It's all inevitable. I mean you meant a lot to me. You still do.

Sometimes I'm just not sure about anything.

This is one of those times. I'm going to go to bed thinking about you, and wake up tomorrow realizing it'll never happen. I'll hope you're okay, even though I know that's why you're not texting me back. I'll hope you'll understand, even though you won't. I'll hope this doesn't hurt us, even though it will.

I'm alone. I'm vulnerable. I'm helpless. I'm hopeless. I'm sorry, so sorry.

It's December.

Neighbors are starting put up Christmas lights. That makes me happy. Listening to the new single Norway by Beach House. Falling in love all over again. I watched this really great movie Sunday. Paris Je T'aime. Eighteen different stories by eighteen different directors. All focusing on the the theme of love in Paris. My favorites were probably...

A young man hanging out with two friends who taunt all women who walk by, strikes up a friendship with a young Muslim woman.

A young male customer finds himself attracted to a young printshop worker and tries to explain that he believes the man to be his soulmate, not realizing that he speaks little French.

An American actress procures some exceptionally strong hashish from a dealer whom she gets a crush on.

A separated couple meet at a bar for one last drink before the two officially divorce.

Carol, a letter carrier from Denver, Colorado on her first European holiday, recites in rough French what she loves about Paris.

The film was very beautiful. So many different themes but all connected in some way. It was one that made you think about it over and over again even the day after you watched it. It's already been placed on my facebook "Favorite Movies" section. Accompanied by Little Miss Sunshine and Before Sunset.

I have some new goals for this month also. No soda, no foods that make me feel gross, no more biting my nails or lips. All of those kind of in preparation for my New Year's Resolutions.

After stumbling on the second season trailer for Skins. I am in love. Even though all I know about is what I've seen in the trailers, youtube clips, and wikipedia page. Unfortunately it's on british television. But, I found the first season on Amazon. Thirty dollars. I'm buying it as soon as my mom gets home.

Old feelings are coming back. I'm trying not to let them get the best of me.

I have only a few weeks until winter break. Let's see if I make it.