I'm at a weird stage in my life where I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with myself. It's like you continue to do what you've been doing because you don't know any better. But that doesn't seem right. Everything is about to change; you should be preparing for it but you don't know how to prepare because you don't know what to expect. And for the past few years all you've been taught to do is prepare. So it's all a little bit of a mind fuck that I can't imagine is very healthy for our sanity considering we're already spending practically every waking moment anxious anticipating what the final verdict will be. But in the mean time we'll continue to pray/cross our fingers/stay cautiously optimistic/take our mind off of things and try to act surprised when the moment comes that we realize this is it. This was the moment we've all been waiting for; the moment worth living for//

Whatever is meant to be will be, but we can still hope.

ALL I WANT IN MY LIFE RN IS 2 GET IN2 EMILY CARR AND BE IN VANCOUVER ASAP

The one that had it all together and was always ready for a relationship is the only one that's still single.

I can't let him make me vulnerable again. I can't let myself fall for him again. Not when I was finally starting to moving on. Not after he has completely.

To dream that you break something, indicates that changes are ahead for you. You need to "break" away from some situation and change the direction that your life is headed in. Alternatively, to break something suggests that you need to take things slower as in "take a break".

It breaks my heart to hear him talk about how he's found the one. He describes how perfect he is and when he does I just see myself. Everything I tried to be for him and everything I was. So the only question I have before you go is what did he have that I didn't?

So easily replaced. You're next.

The choice is ultimately mine to make.

I finally started living in the present and it became too much to bare. The past is too frustrating. I'm not hopeful enough for the future. Everything's gone to shit and all I can do is feel it. I'm trying so hard with him but I feel like it's not enough when all I'm faced with is opposition and questions of authenticity or strength. He told me I was immature not to be happy for him. I think it's immature that he's doing this to himself. But I'm lost on my own; and the irony of it all is that the ones I feel lost from are MIA preoccupied with the ones they love. I'm telling myself it's time to grow. That I didn't really have it all figured out. Realizing that this is what I could of meant by summer of new beginnings. Not the summer of falling in love but of letting everything that I loved go. Not for good but just enough that I can come into my own and create my own happiness. It's still hard. I'm just hoping that things start looking up soon. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm reaching out to new people. Nowhere to go but up. I miss you. I miss us. All of us.

It's harder to be okay with it when he's not here. It'll just take some getting used to. I'm glad he's still here though. I'm glad I'm his best friend.

Everything feels empty. I've been telling everyone I feel different. I've changed. But I think really LA just showed me that this was never meant to be at all.

Sunday - Made each other's acquaintance at an all night diner

Monday - Saw Ice T and Coco with their dog and entourage looking for a bathroom in the E! offices

Tuesday - Hit the garage with the car

Wednesday - Made a quick appearance at a bar in WeHo and left to drive up to The Hills and look over The Valley

Thursday - Lusted over a boy at a club

Friday - Wandered around LACMA

Saturday - Ate lunch in Malibu and mingled at a charity event at Paramount Pictures

Sunday - Met Lisa Vanderpump and Jenny Pulos in the VIP tent at LA Pride

I always do the wrong thing when I'm with him. All I want is to be perfect. It's a learning experience and I'm failing miserably.

I looked for him as I walked out to my car on the tennis courts. It wasn't hard to notice him. I sat for a minute to watch him serve before I started my car and pulled out of the parking lot. I thought about how odd it was that I always see him but he never sees me. Reaffirming my belief that we met to simply be there for each other, even if we can't always be together. I told myself I loved him. I tried not to question it. I was a cheap guardian angel; and I'm not even religious.

Everyone comes back to haunt you here.