No lies, just love.

2012-01-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm at a weird stage in my life where I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with myself. It's like you continue to do what you've been doing because you don't know any better. But that doesn't seem right. Everything is about to change; you should be preparing for it but you don't know how to prepare because you don't know what to expect. And for the past few years all you've been taught to do is prepare. So it's all a little bit of a mind fuck that I can't imagine is very healthy for our sanity considering we're already spending practically every waking moment anxious anticipating what the final verdict will be. But in the mean time we'll continue to pray/cross our fingers/stay cautiously optimistic/take our mind off of things and try to act surprised when the moment comes that we realize this is it. This was the moment we've all been waiting for; the moment worth living for//

Whatever is meant to be will be, but we can still hope.

2011-11-07T15:28:00.001-08:00

ALL I WANT IN MY LIFE RN IS 2 GET IN2 EMILY CARR AND BE IN VANCOUVER ASAP

2011-10-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

The one that had it all together and was always ready for a relationship is the only one that's still single.

2011-08-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

I can't let him make me vulnerable again. I can't let myself fall for him again. Not when I was finally starting to moving on. Not after he has completely.

2011-08-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

To dream that you break something, indicates that changes are ahead for you. You need to "break" away from some situation and change the direction that your life is headed in. Alternatively, to break something suggests that you need to take things slower as in "take a break".

2011-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

It breaks my heart to hear him talk about how he's found the one. He describes how perfect he is and when he does I just see myself. Everything I tried to be for him and everything I was. So the only question I have before you go is what did he have that I didn't?

2011-07-26T17:56:00.001-07:00

So easily replaced. You're next.

2011-07-12T21:57:00.001-07:00

The choice is ultimately mine to make.

2011-07-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

I finally started living in the present and it became too much to bare. The past is too frustrating. I'm not hopeful enough for the future. Everything's gone to shit and all I can do is feel it. I'm trying so hard with him but I feel like it's not enough when all I'm faced with is opposition and questions of authenticity or strength. He told me I was immature not to be happy for him. I think it's immature that he's doing this to himself. But I'm lost on my own; and the irony of it all is that the ones I feel lost from are MIA preoccupied with the ones they love. I'm telling myself it's time to grow. That I didn't really have it all figured out. Realizing that this is what I could of meant by summer of new beginnings. Not the summer of falling in love but of letting everything that I loved go. Not for good but just enough that I can come into my own and create my own happiness. It's still hard. I'm just hoping that things start looking up soon. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm reaching out to new people. Nowhere to go but up. I miss you. I miss us. All of us.

2011-07-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's harder to be okay with it when he's not here. It'll just take some getting used to. I'm glad he's still here though. I'm glad I'm his best friend.

2011-06-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

Everything feels empty. I've been telling everyone I feel different. I've changed. But I think really LA just showed me that this was never meant to be at all.

2011-06-13T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sunday - Made each other's acquaintance at an all night diner

Monday - Saw Ice T and Coco with their dog and entourage looking for a bathroom in the E! offices

Tuesday - Hit the garage with the car

Wednesday - Made a quick appearance at a bar in WeHo and left to drive up to The Hills and look over The Valley

Thursday - Lusted over a boy at a club

Friday - Wandered around LACMA

Saturday - Ate lunch in Malibu and mingled at a charity event at Paramount Pictures

Sunday - Met Lisa Vanderpump and Jenny Pulos in the VIP tent at LA Pride

2011-06-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

I always do the wrong thing when I'm with him. All I want is to be perfect. It's a learning experience and I'm failing miserably.

2011-05-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

I looked for him as I walked out to my car on the tennis courts. It wasn't hard to notice him. I sat for a minute to watch him serve before I started my car and pulled out of the parking lot. I thought about how odd it was that I always see him but he never sees me. Reaffirming my belief that we met to simply be there for each other, even if we can't always be together. I told myself I loved him. I tried not to question it. I was a cheap guardian angel; and I'm not even religious.

2011-05-03T13:43:00.001-07:00

Everyone comes back to haunt you here.

2011-05-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

I want my photography to feel like a dreamy distant memory. Something that can't be recreated. A candid intimate moment that makes you feel uncomfortable for intruding or longing to have been there to experience it.

2011-04-24T14:02:00.001-07:00

Never worth fighting for.

2011-04-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

This week has been surreal. Everything that's happened now seems so distant. Like a nostalgic memory or simple fantasy you rely on to cheer you up when everything else has gone to shit. Subconsciously escaping from reality. Except this was reality, and I loved living every minute of it.

2011-04-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

The balloons took up half of the backseat but we stayed there for a while. He didn't think I could wait but it's moments like that that made it easier.

2011-04-05T16:24:00.001-07:00

Shame on me.

2011-03-23T20:14:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's already over.

2011-03-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Today came with a realization. Tomorrow's a fresh start. I'm following my heart and leaving it to fate.

2011-03-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Everything was so sudden. I have faith though. Everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will. Nowhere to go but up.

2011-03-12T14:02:00.001-08:00

O wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world
That has such people in't!

2011-03-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

It's a new feeling, not having to wait. I'm learning to get used to it; by living in the moment, making myself better, making it last. Letting everything come naturally and hoping for the best.

2011-03-03T17:57:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that night I told you I like you too much and you didn't get what I meant? This is it.

2011-02-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

That's when you know you've found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.

2011-02-11T18:28:00.001-08:00

Leave it.

2011-02-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I was expecting.

2011-01-30T16:16:00.001-08:00

I like to think that when you're with him you're still thinking of me, but just like anything else with you I try not to get my hopes up. I can't be upset though. You always make up for it somehow.

2011-01-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

I went to Somewhere by myself. I sat in the back hoping maybe he'd show up. It was kind of like a distant memory. Leaving too much time for me to remember what was happening around me. Loneliest night of my life, and it was exactly what I needed.

2011-01-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

I let go and lived in the moment. Everything felt so right.

2011-01-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night, suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life.

2011-01-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

Hibernation until summer. Forget everything in my sleep.

2011-01-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

2011 started with a kiss. Here's to making the most of it.

2010-12-29T20:21:00.001-08:00

Why can't I be enough for you?

2010-12-26T22:52:00.001-08:00

Sort of like a dream.

2010-12-26T13:11:00.000-08:00

I guess we never technically said goodbye.

2010-12-25T21:10:00.001-08:00

Sometimes while I was driving I would feel his eyes on me. And when I looked at him he would moan and look back at me like he wanted to rip me apart and have sex right there in that parking lot. So we did.

2010-12-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

I convinced her to come outside with me and jump on the trampoline. It felt like a lot more fun in the moment, with perfect weather and nothing better to do. The highlight of my summer. The only thing I can remember.

2010-12-23T12:04:00.001-08:00

This isn't how things were supposed to happen.

2010-12-11T18:20:00.001-08:00

It kills me inside thinking of the things I'm missing out on here. Dreaming of Los Angeles tonight.

2010-12-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

It's funny. As soon as I get the sense that someone is leaving me I move onto someone else. Convince myself that I never liked them in the first place, and the cycle commences.

2010-12-01T15:46:00.001-08:00

This one has to work.

2010-11-28T14:42:00.001-08:00

Love is, like, really important. It's good to be loved. Even if it's only for one night.

2010-11-26T19:31:00.001-08:00

We were all still friends then. She was finishing up working in the darkroom while the rest of us waited in the lobby. It was almost Day of the Dead and they had all these beautifully decorated and elaborate altars. We saw chocolate and some of us ate a few pieces before we realized it was probably some kind of offering. I think everything went downhill from there.

2010-11-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

Life's too short not to make a move.

2010-11-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

You can only play along for so long.

2010-11-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

What the fuck do I have to do to get your attention?

2010-11-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight was refreshing.

2010-11-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

This past summer during one of the last days of my class she and I left the library and wandered around the school looking at the galleries and things. We ended up outside under this tree and she drew branches while I watched all the cars go by. Neither of us really minded the silence until I told her I had a crush on him and she didn't seem too surprised and left the subject alone after a few comments. I just sat there for a little bit longer and stared at the sun shining through the trees until it hurt my eyes and we decided to go back inside.

2010-11-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone's going out tonight.

2010-11-05T12:53:00.001-07:00

These dreams are so vivid they have to mean something. When I looked into your eyes and touched your face it felt so much like you were really there. My subconscious mind is becoming my new getaway. Waking up feels more and more like a chore everyday.

2010-08-21T19:07:00.001-07:00

I feel like there's never any point in telling someone something because it'll never mean as much to them as it does me, and in the end I just feel silly. All of these tangible and fragile moments, that once I let someone else experience through my rough interpretation seem so much less special. Sometimes I think it's just that as I'm telling someone I can't recreate the images as perfectly as I've constantly played them back in my head. But maybe next time will be different. By letting my memories stay mine and mine alone. Letting them stay beautiful.

2010-03-30T15:52:00.001-07:00

My last tarot card reading told me everything was falling into place. That I'm beginning to realize that my actions will have consequences. I'm on the path of happiness and enlightenment. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. But I can't see how that could possibly be true when everything feels so wrong.

Simply Put, the Study of Butterflies: A continuation of The Morning After

2010-02-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

It was a humid day in late June, six months since the “accident”. At least that’s what her obituary said. Cohen couldn’t convince himself to go to Ada’s funeral. Nothing seemed right; the fact that her mother desperately tried to cover up her seemingly perfect daughter’s suicide, the disgustingly fake funeral home and church service that proceeded a week later, and, going against Ada’s wishes to be cremated and have her ashes spread over a large body of water somewhere it was always warm, her burial in a wooden casket next to a deceased brother that passed in child birth three years before she was born. Ada was a free spirit, and Cohen couldn’t bear to see that personality trait of hers stifled by all this bull shit. But as he sat in the Starbucks near his home in Georgetown, surrounded by prep school students in their uniforms, he realized that nothing about Ada’s death mattered anymore. She was dead, she got what she wanted, and she was finally happy. Without another thought on the matter Cohen got up from the beat-up armchair, threw away his paper cup still full of untouched coffee, and stepped into the blinding summer sun.

Cohen skipped class that morning and went straight home. He somberly walked up the concrete steps to the town home door, and struggled to find his house key in his pockets while the sun beat down on his tan neck. Upon entering he went straight to the kitchen, but quickly lost the little appetite he had after seeing a distant father, dressed in an elegant suit with a black leather briefcase in hand, flirting with the recently hired and only mildly attractive maid that spoke little to no English. Hoping he hadn’t been noticed, Cohen walked up two short flights of stairs to his bedroom on the third floor and slowly closed the door behind him as he stepped inside. His eyes drifted to the small pile of collected items from Ada’s room that now occupied a large corner of his dresser.

Cohen heard of Ada’s death the afternoon after from some of her close friends that regularly talked about Ada behind her back and obviously took advantage of her naïve personality. Most of them sobbing into the phone to the point where he couldn’t make out anything they were saying regarding Ada’s jump from the roof of her own home. (No one knew Cohen had been up there on that rooftop with her the night before when disoriented and sleep deprived, he left her there upon request. And that on his way home that night, with a very light snow falling on his shoulders; he knew exactly what Ada was about to do, and with that thought in mind, kept walking anyway.) After he hung up amidst the sobbing of the seventh caller he headed straight to Ada’s house. Cohen let himself in using a spare key, went straight to her bedroom, disregarding an alarmed maid, and walked out only a moment later with a box of her belongings. The box was dumped out on his dresser and it’s contents had been there, untouched, for six long months.

Without thinking anything of it at the time, all of these objects directly related to Ada’s personality or a memory he had shared with her sometime during her short life. This pile included: collected items from flea markets and thrift stores, ranging from jewelry to geodes, that she purchased after long conversations with store clerks where she was always nothing less than fascinated by what they had to say (usually with an oriental accent), discoloured tarot cards that Ada used religiously. (It wouldn’t be surprising for Cohen to walk in on her sitting on her bed, white sheets strewn aside, surrounded by the cards in every direction), a single shoebox of photographs and Polaroid’s, the most memorable being a candid photo of Ada that Cohen took one summer at a local pool. (The photo itself was a close up of her face with bleached hair being blown into perfectly blue eyes and a small smile showing white teeth.), books filled with pressed flowers and leaves, covering everything from Hinduism to lepidopterology, or, simply put, the study of butterflies, and last, a collection of moleskin journals with no outer reference to what may lie inside. Ada’s seventeen years of life could be summarized by everything that lay on the dresser, secrets and all. She would have never had a problem with Cohen going through it (the two kept nothing from each other), but still, he would always catch himself, hand hovering over one of the journals, too afraid to pick it up. But that afternoon, as he stood over the belongings of a lost life, a flash of yellow colour caught the corner of his eye coming from the direction of the window. Cohen went over to the sill to find a bright yellow butterfly circling the empty space in front up it. He unlatched it and slowly lifted the window. After quick hesitation, the creature let itself inside and gently rested on his shoulder. Cohen admired it for a few moments before carefully placing it on his pointer finger and letting it go as he slowly mouthed the words, “Thank you Ada.” It clumsily flew up and over the roof in a matter of seconds. Leaving the window open, Cohen got up from where he was sitting, picked up one of Ada’s journals, and started to read.

New year's resolutions.

2009-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

- Stay skinny

- Travel somewhere warm

- Make out with someone attractive

- Be more outgoing

- Tell them how I really feel

Welcoming the new year.

2009-12-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing to me how much I’ve grown. I always feel like I’m in a rut. No progress. Stuck in a small town in Indiana with nothing to do. Trying to get through each day same as the other. But I have to realize how much the year of 2009 has changed me, whether that be relationships, travels, experiences. Just anything. In the continuing process of trying to truly find myself so many things happened to me along the way. I found myself in DC happier than I’d been in such a long time. I found myself getting closer to Rachael and realizing my dream of southern California living. I found my passion of photography to be improving with every photo I took. I found myself in a disfunctional online summer fling, realizing things I would of never imagined about myself. I found myself surrounded by people that I can open to and just live my life with, not having to worry about anything but having a good time and living life to the fullest. I’m ready to grow even more this next year. Develop long lasting relationships with the people I’ve become so close to and flourish in new ones. Anything is possible. Anything can happen. Even when you live in a small town in Indiana.

Tis the season.

2009-12-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

I hate to bombard with posts. Especially posts with lots of photos. But I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Maybe this is to myself. I'm never sure if anyone reads these thoughts of mine. Either way, Merry Christmas. I hope it's very festive and eventful. Who's ready for 2010? This is exciting.

Side note: Santa is nearing Indianapolis according to Santa Tracker. I better get my ass to bed.

Damn you's a sexy bitch.

2009-12-24T13:51:00.000-08:00

I hung out with Sydney today. We had a good time. Sunglasses on a cloudy day, messy breakfast food, laying out on comfortable couches at Starbucks, browsing at Half Priced Books, searching for Lady Gaga on the radio, and good conversation. Love that girl.

Cardigans, Holden Caulfield, and The Royal Tenenbaums.

2009-12-22T19:31:00.001-08:00

I've decided that from now on I'm just going to wear lot's of chunky knit cardigans and undershirts or deep v's. This is when I feel most attractive.

I'm really enjoying Franny and Zooey. J. D. Salinger can do no wrong. I aspire to be Holden Caulfield and Zooey Glass.

It's strange.

2009-12-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Everything. I'm without my computer due to hard drive troubles. My life is on that thing. I hated knowing I would lose it all. But it might possibly be for the best. My old self is on that computer. In some weird way I want to get it over with and throw it out of my second story window onto the snow covered concrete below. I met you on that computer. I cried onto the keyboard too many times. I watched too many things happen on that screen. And I wasted too many hours letting it's glow illuminate my surroundings. I'm probably thinking too much. But I don't think I'll miss it. Really. I can start over. It's not that big of a deal.

Last night was enjoyable.

2009-12-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

I never got my strawberry banana smoothie, but Sydney and I make a cute couple.

The Virgin Suicides.

2009-12-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

Why is it always that I don't like a movie until days after I've watched it. Well the more I think about it the more I want to watch it again. Although it lacked in some areas, the feelings it emitted made it beautiful. The Virgin Suicides. Powerful stuff.

Monday night therapy session.

2009-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Driving lessons, grande mochas, iPod games and imitating Rachael via text at the swim meet, dinner date at Applebee's, and "mini shopping adventures" at Target consisting of baby shower invitations, ugly school supplies, and gorgeous cashiers. Tonight has been therapeutic to say the least. Is it really Monday night? This seems so wrong.

Analyzing Tik Tok.

2009-12-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer. Ain't got no money in my pocket, but Im already here. Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

I'm pretty indifferent to this whole song. It was on the radio for... what, two days? Give or take. My only complaint. Mick Jagger? Really? I agree with Ashley. I don't care if it's the only thing that rhymed with swagger. You have bad taste in men.

It's complicated.

2009-12-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

Originally a facebook note from forever ago of sixteen things most people don't know about me. I edited some and am changing it to twenty.

1) I always ask people the question "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" when I'm trying to get to know them. And over the many question games I've played and had this also asked to me I've realized that mine is constantly changing. With the only common factor being that I want to do something with photography. It's what I love. I may not be where I want to be right now. But that's okay. Because I'm trying. And if I keep working I'll make it. I know it.

2) I want to learn. As much as possible. I'm afraid of being like the people on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?". Forgetting almost everything I've spent 16 years learning once I graduate from college. I want to be Cash Cab smart until I'm eighty.

3) J'aime parler francais. It's goal of mine to eventually be fluent. And although it may not benefit me as much in the states that's not really a concern of mine. I can't imagine speaking anything else.

4) Reading is something I'm really into. It puts me somewhere else. Away from all this bull shit that constantly is happening around us. I can get lost for hours. And unlike television or a movie that I'm just watching on a screen when I read I feel somewhere else. At peace. And with my life I need that.

5) Don't take a lot of what I say seriously. If you did you'd probably be on anti-depressants. Because sometimes I forget the just kidding part.

6) I would love to visit Iceland. I've destroyed this travel book I bought a little while back trying to dissect and comprehend everything I could possibly need to know. It's beautiful. Quaint. Everything I would normally hate but for some can only appreciate in this Narnia of the North Atlantic.

7) I'm ready to fall in love. But more importantly, to be loved just as much, to feel important, and to have a first kiss with the perfect one.

8) When I'm online and really bored. After I've exhausted Urban Outfitters website and the SocialVibe forums I just keep refreshing the Facebook home page waiting for something to happen...

9) I decide whether you're worth getting to know the first time I meet you. It's something I need to work on.

10) I'm a reality/celebreality television junkie. Having been graced with it every monday and sunday night which I'm sure has rotted a nice portion of my brain. But the spitting, plate throwing, slapping, yelling, and drinking is what I've come to know and love. Flavor Flav I thank you for Flavor of Love. God bless you.

11) The main thing I apsire for in my life is peace. Within myself and with people I meet everyday. Because I think once I achieve that everything else in my life will just fall into place.

12) I'm really interested in anything that is the mid twentieth century.

13) I collect the most random things in my wallet. Fortunes from fortune cookies, starbucks receipts only, and business cards of artists and galleries I'll never get in touch with.

14) I'm not much of a people person. I'm reserved, awkward, and just unsociable. I enjoy listening to music, reading about famous people, and daydreaming. I don't like talking the phone because it makes me flustered. I hate public speaking because I'm not used to being the center of attention. I'm not outgoing because I'm afraid of being judged. I wasn't always this way. Somewhere for some reason something in me changed and the over active ten year old that would talk to anyone turned into a sixteen year old that won't start a conversation with someone he doesn't know.

15) I'd like to live in Los Angeles. It's fake. It's trashy. It's commercial. It's superficial. And I love it.

16) Along with social interaction I lost all self confidence a long time ago. I don't look into anything with a reflection without noting yet another flaw or imperfection. Past infatuations, internet romances, friendships, and voices of strangers have taught me that I am imperfect. I am flawed. I'm not good enough. I'm not saying this for pity. I don't need pity. I don't want pity. It's just the sad truth. Always forever I will have something I can work on to make myself look better for someone else. When I get ready in the morning it's to impress them. When I get ready in the morning it's to look better in their eyes. I don't do much for me anymore. I don't know if I know how.

17) I envy sex and drug addicts, patients with mental illnesses, so on and so forth. Only because I feel like I would need some kind of mental breakdown for people to realize that I'm not okay.

18) I don't need cocaine, cigarettes, or vodka. I have venti soy mochas from Starbucks.

19) I'd like to photograph beautiful people in expensive clothing for a living. I may not be the best, but I've had far too many people tell me that I have a lot of potential to give this up so easily.

20) As upset, fragile, or vulnerable as I may seem, I'm just a person with depth. I feel, I experience, and I grow, in different and awkward ways. I'm making it as best I can day by day. Hoping for the best. That one day someone will come along and love me for me. That someday I'll be doing what I'm passionate about. That someday I'll live somewhere where it's warm all the time. That someday I'll be happy. Someday.

The girl across the street.

2009-12-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

All afternoon she's been out in the freezing cold with her huge pale blue coat, pink boots, and matching gloves.. Managing in this time to make three snow angels, walk around in circles, try to slide down her driveway on a sled with no ice, punching the ground repeatedly when it didn't work, and tying the sled to a tree branch when she was done so it wouldn't blow away. I always wonder what she's going to be like when she's my age. I envy her curiosity.

Her fall antics.

It's been a long time.

2009-12-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

I can't get you out of my head. I want to move on. You have. But what can I move on to? Nothing. I have nothing. I'm just waiting. Waiting for you to do something to me that hurts me so badly I must move on. It's all inevitable. I mean you meant a lot to me. You still do.

Sometimes I'm just not sure about anything.

2009-12-03T20:41:00.001-08:00

This is one of those times. I'm going to go to bed thinking about you, and wake up tomorrow realizing it'll never happen. I'll hope you're okay, even though I know that's why you're not texting me back. I'll hope you'll understand, even though you won't. I'll hope this doesn't hurt us, even though it will.

I'm alone. I'm vulnerable. I'm helpless. I'm hopeless. I'm sorry, so sorry.

It's December.

2009-12-01T14:50:00.001-08:00

Neighbors are starting put up Christmas lights. That makes me happy. Listening to the new single Norway by Beach House. Falling in love all over again. I watched this really great movie Sunday. Paris Je T'aime. Eighteen different stories by eighteen different directors. All focusing on the the theme of love in Paris. My favorites were probably...

A young man hanging out with two friends who taunt all women who walk by, strikes up a friendship with a young Muslim woman.

A young male customer finds himself attracted to a young printshop worker and tries to explain that he believes the man to be his soulmate, not realizing that he speaks little French.

An American actress procures some exceptionally strong hashish from a dealer whom she gets a crush on.

A separated couple meet at a bar for one last drink before the two officially divorce.

Carol, a letter carrier from Denver, Colorado on her first European holiday, recites in rough French what she loves about Paris.

The film was very beautiful. So many different themes but all connected in some way. It was one that made you think about it over and over again even the day after you watched it. It's already been placed on my facebook "Favorite Movies" section. Accompanied by Little Miss Sunshine and Before Sunset.

I have some new goals for this month also. No soda, no foods that make me feel gross, no more biting my nails or lips. All of those kind of in preparation for my New Year's Resolutions.

After stumbling on the second season trailer for Skins. I am in love. Even though all I know about is what I've seen in the trailers, youtube clips, and wikipedia page. Unfortunately it's on british television. But, I found the first season on Amazon. Thirty dollars. I'm buying it as soon as my mom gets home.

Old feelings are coming back. I'm trying not to let them get the best of me.

I have only a few weeks until winter break. Let's see if I make it.

Die young, stay pretty.

2009-11-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I wanted to be a model. Then I grew up.

So happy I could die.

2009-11-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

This morning came with some realizations. The first, I'm coming to strongly dislike you. The second, you fucked up. The third, I miss you. The fourth, I need to move on. The fifth and last, as much as I want to move on. As much as I want to lose you, forget them, and reuinite with the other. I don't know how. I don't know when. And I don't know if I can. Change isn't always easy when you don't have anyone else to turn to.

Wandering through starry skies.

2009-11-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not bad. I'm not good. I'm not really anything I guess. Maybe just, lonely. Wanting. Craving. Faking. Wishing. Living. Breathing. All mixed into one big emotion of confusion.

It's been a blast.

2009-11-23T16:57:00.001-08:00

I'm getting over you by developing yet another hopeless crush on someone like them.

Weekends events.

2009-11-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

Got lost on the way to Noodles and Company. Witnessed Sydney steal a key chain at World Market. Sat in her car with Jasmine and Rachael. Talked about sex, drugs, and gossip things. The usual. Drew pictures on the foggy windows. Made three u turns before realizing there was no way to get to Starbucks through the construction. Settled on Panera. Got free drinks from the guy that kept talking to himself. Went to the Keystone theatre to see An Education. Saw previews for three other movies I now want to see. Got home late. Slept well. Went to a gallery opening for my photo class with Jasmine and the family. Window shopped at H&M. Ate out at P.F. Changs. Watched my mom down two glasses of plum wine. Made an appearance at the International Festival. Met a cute Iranian. Saw Jasmine's tight Iranian dancing skills. Walked around the rest of the festival looking for fun things to do with mexican sodas in hand. Went out to eat with Jasmine's family at Yat's. Listened to them all have conversations in farsi. I think. Downed three diet cokes. Watched sluts and ass holes waiting outside of bars and clubs in Broadripple from the comfort of Jasmine's car. Slept until a ridiculous time this morning.

One of those nights.

2009-11-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

It's one of those nights when the sky doesn't look completely black. Not because of the stars or anything. But there's a faint glow of yellow along the horizon. I figure it's from all the lights. You wouldn't think it'd be enough. But there it is. A soft yellow from every other home in this clustered suburbia creating an unknown shade between it and the pitch black sky.

I said what I needed to say tonight. And for now I'm satisfied. The whole situation had been too much for me emotionally. But upon looking over the brief conversation I found this message I hadn't noticed before, i do like you, and couldn't help but tear up a bit. It felt different this time. It felt sincere.

Looking up from the asphalt and being blinded by the sun.

2009-11-15T07:42:00.000-08:00

There was a song I heard when I was in Los Angeles by a local group. The song was called “Los Angeles” and the words and images were so harsh and bitter that the song would reverberate in my mind for days. The images I later found out, were personal and no one I knew shared them. The images I had were of people driven mad by living in the city. Images of parents who were so hungry and unfulfilled that they ate their own children. Images of people, teenagers my own age, looking up from the asphalt and being blinded by the sun. These images stayed with me even after I left the city. Images so violent and malicious that they seemed to be my only point of reference for a long time afterwards. After I left.

I'm ready to get out of central Indiana and migrate west.

Photograph by Bobby Whigham

Sometimes, I still need you.

2009-11-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

Please don't say we're done when I'm not finished. I could give you so much more. Make you feel, like never before. Welcome, they said welcome to the floor. It's been a while and you've found someone better. But I've been waiting too long to give this up. The more I see, I understand. But sometimes, I still need you.

These lyrics couldn't explain the feeling any better. Had a nice evening. I don't know why I'm so exhausted.

I've had enough this time.

2009-11-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

It happened again. You told me not to give up to much of my heart. It seems as if in the process I gave it all.

The Morning After.

2009-11-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

Just a little something I wrote a few months ago. Entitled The Morning After.

The music was blaring, and she couldn’t make out the words, but that didn’t matter. She stood in the middle of the crowd, lights flashing beneath her feet, hands up in the air, and bleached hair flowing over her shoulders as she slowly perspired under her dress. It was as if she was in a trance. The neon lights blurred her vision and she could only make out vague figures on the dance floor, all of them in the same trance. She smiled to herself because for the first time in a long time, she was happy. The alcohol made everything better. In a swift moment someone grabbed her hand and shook her into consciousness. The smile left her face as she realized where she was. Her friend Drea was screaming over the music but Ada couldn’t make out any of the words. Looking defeated Drea squeezed her hand and slowly led her out of the club and into the chilly DC night, music fading behind them. A strong wind came from a back ally onto the street and blew Ada’s hair in her face. She grimaced as the cold stung her soft skin and threw on an old flight jacket. Tugging it tight to her body and embracing it’s musty smell. They walked down the streets illuminated by yellow citibank lights. The city was at peace, still, and they were alone. A cab sped by on there right, and the silence was broken. Drea started to ramble.

“I can’t believe you can even walk… You drink way too much Ada… School is going to be rough tomorrow… Did you even study for our exam…”

The words meant nothing to Ada. She was busy with other thoughts. Lately petty teenage problems such as school, studying, and relationships had bothered her less and less. Earlier that week Ada stumbled into a quaint bookstore on an older side of town. An exterior of chipped blue paint and an interior filled with stacks upon stacks of leather-bound books. She couldn’t believe they were even for sale. While carelessly browsing the collection of old novels and philosophical accounts something in particular caught her eye. She took it off the shelf and blew the thick layer of dust away from the binding. It read, An Extensive View of Reincarnation: A Hindu Concept. Ada remembered some classes that briefly mentioned the topic, and her family was of course Christian, but she bought the book anyway and had been reading it ever since. It was almost instinct. She loved the basic idea of reincarnation, which is basically the belief that some essential part of a living being survives death to be reborn in a new body. Ada felt that with this, she could start over. If this reincarnation process was truly the process, which she believed it was, she could start over as someone else. Ada thought fate brought her to the book. Fate let her know the grass was truly greener on the other side.

“Are you even listening to me Ada?” Drea asked helplessly.

Ada snapped out of her daydream and turned to look at Drea.

Drea smirked at her, “You’ve got a lot going for you, Ada. I know you don’t think so, but you’ve got a smile that lights up a whole room. You’re something special. Everything is going to look up. I promise.”

She didn’t say exactly what she was thinking but, Ada knew better than anyone what she was referring to. Earlier that year her parents could put on the show no longer; the love story of two DC socialites that fell in love and got married. It seemed fitting. Everyone believed they were the perfect couple. Heck, they even convinced themselves that, but Ada knew the truth. It was all a class act. Everyone around them pressured the couple, convincing them they were perfect for each other. There were never any true feelings there. Ada saw that, but for some reason the news of a divorce came as a surprise to her. Her mom broke the news to her over a cup of coffee, and Ada only responded with a simple “oh”. Her family already owned two homes. As long as Ada could stay in the city and go out nightly she was content. After a long custody battle over her and every inch of the things they owned Ada ended up with her mother in their DC townhouse. She was satisfied.

“We’re here Ada,” Drea said.

Ada looked up from the concrete to Drea’s gentle smile.

“It’s been fun,” Drea attempted to make conversation.

“Yeah… always,” Ada responded.

They hugged for the longest time while Ada inhaled whiffs of Drea’s familiar perfume. They let go, and she walked up the old steps to her townhouse. Drunkenly fumbling with her keys, she finally got one in the hole and managed to open the door. As she walked in she could hear Drea’s heels making their way down the street. She hoped she’d be okay by herself. She passed the living room on her way up the staircase to her mom passed out on the couch with an empty wine glass lying on the floor, something she had become very used to since the divorce. Without another thought she climbed the stairs to her bedroom. It was a very nice home with expensive antiques, minimalist colors, and perfectly matching accessories. Ada hated every inch of it. It was everything she wasn’t, which is why she found her room a sanctuary in a home of everything fake and made up. No one dared, not even the maids, step foot in her room, with an unmade vintage looking floral print bedspread, clothes strewn everywhere, the rug on a distressed brown wooden floor raised in places, random art crookedly hanging on the walls, and stacks of old books. To most it would seem like a total wreck, but everything was artfully placed where Ada thought it fit best. By now she had changed from a form fitting cocktail dress to an oversized tank top and boy shorts. With her long hair pulled back off her face and no makeup on, she lied in bed and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep and hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since earlier that summer. Without both parents in the house Ada found she had less and less supervision. She went out practically every night, finding friends in vodka and anyone that took advantage of her. She was reaching rock bottom. And what is rock bottom for any disoriented daughter of a socialite? Rehab. But Ada had other plans, and rehab wasn’t one of them. She didn’t want to leave better but knowing who she once was and all that baggage. After the encounter with the book on reincarnation, she felt it was the perfect solution. What she’d been looking for for a long time. Ada could start over new, and that’s just what she planned on doing. She crawled out of bed and walked to her window. The sill was just large enough for her to sit comfortably, which is exactly what she did. With her hand she traced an area in the frost-covered glass to see out of. Lights shown above all the other town houses creating a soft glow that gave light to all the individual flakes of snow falling from a black sky onto the still streets below. It was breathtaking. Tears started to well under her eyes. She knew it was her time to move on. She was ready. She felt complete.

When Ada woke up the morning after the sun was glaring through the small window casting scattered pools of light all over the room, one of those spots conveniently located over her face. She sat up and rubbed them until she could finally see straight. The alarm clock read 2:46 and she was sixty percent sure it was a Wednesday. Upon walking downstairs she found the living room where her mom had passed out the night before all tidied up. After sipping the rest of her coffee and carefully picking at the manicure she had received two days before, she decided to call up her old friend, Cohen. Ada just got his voicemail and remembered that he had class until four. It turned out to be Wednesday. Leaving the brown stained mug and nail clippings on the table for the maid to get, she went upstairs to get ready, which only consisted of throwing on a white wife beater and black floral skirt. The hair was fine messy. She always made it work at the last minute anyway. By the time she was finished with that and had read an old Vogue magazine it was 4:12. Cohen picked up the phone this time and said he’d go their straight from campus. It’d be around ten minutes. The door was already unlocked so Cohen let himself in and opened the door to her room with Ada resting on the windowsill. The noise startled her and she almost fell. Cohen laughed and Ada just giggled. He went to lay down on her bed running his fingers through his coarse hair. Ada felt so comfortable around him. She knew he was the one person she would miss most.

“So what do you need?” He asked matter-of-factly.

“Do I have to need anything?” She asked as she walked over to the small bed and jumped on top of him. He grunted at the sudden pressure on his chest.

They stayed up in Ada’s room all afternoon and into the evening, creating organized piles of clutter, reading, and drinking coffee that the maid brought up for them every two hours. The sun finally set and once the lights came out to see the city just as they had the night before Cohen declared it was probably time for him to get going. Ada told him to stay; she had something he’d like to see.

“It better be good,” he answered.

Ada took Cohen by the hand leading him out of her room and up a back staircase that led to the roof. She let him out first and stuck one of her flats in between the door and wall as not to get them locked out in the chilly DC night. Cohen stood still and watched Ada make her way to the ledge of the building, placing all her weight onto her forearms and leaning out as if she was getting ready for flight. He joined her and looked out at the landscape. It was DC. She knew it wasn’t anything new to him, but for some reason that night the city looked different, and she knew he saw it too. They stood there in silence for a long time looking at the place they would remember for the rest of their lives. Snow started to fall, gently but surely.

“It’s getting late Ada,” Cohen pointed out.

“You can go now, I just wanted you to see this with me,” she answered.

He looked out again and inhaled a deep breath, “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s our life,” Ada went on, “we were born here, we cried here, we loved here, we experienced life here, and someday we’ll die here.”

Cohen looked at her quizzically, responding with a simple “yeah.”

Ada looked up toward the sky, and snowflake fell on her nose. She closed her eyes and smiled. Everything felt right, until the thoughts of heartache and lonesome came rushing back to her. But she couldn’t show it on her face to Cohen. She didn’t want him to suspect anything, so she left the smile on. When she opened her eyes Cohen was looking at her. He laughed, and the two just smiled at each other. Getting on her tiptoes, Ada kissed him lightly on the cheek. He was startled by the gesture but still found it sweet and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She dug her face into his chest and they stood like that for what seemed like forever. Cohen having to practically pry himself away from her laughed and said “Ada, it’s not like I’ll never see you again. Just call me tomorrow, and we’ll do this again.”

“If only I could,” she thought to herself.

They said their final goodbyes and Cohen made his way to the staircase door. Halfway there he turned to look at her, “You coming?”

“I’ll go down in a minute. I want to stay up here a little bit longer,” she said.

Cohen stared at her with the look on his face struggling to find the right words. He sighed to himself and with a defeated look told Ada to have a good night. She stayed up there for what seemed like eternity. No one bothered looking for her - neither her mom nor one of the maids. Even if they had, the roof was the last place they would of thought to check. Ada had it all to herself. Snow was still falling. A flake gently fell on her eyelash. It was time, she thought to herself. Ada clumsily threw one foot onto the ledge she was leaning on the moment before and hoisted the rest of her body with it. Now standing tall on the townhouse roof, she looked over a city of white marble and concrete illuminated by a soft yellow glow. She took her right leg and let it hover over the edge. Now only one leg left her up there, safe from the fall. Without another thought she casually took the leg and stepped off of the edge. The weight of her body tilted itself so that she was now looking at the glowing sky, snowflakes falling everywhere. She closed her eyes, and she smiled.

2009-11-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

And it's just complicated and I'll stop now.

2009-11-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

"Okay. So. Do you ever feel really bad about yourself. Pick up your phone. Go through your contacts. And realize there's no one you can call that would be able to make you happier? Like you have people you could call. But you cant. Not in that sense. So you just have to push it in the back of your mind until it happens again. And eventually you just can't take it. And you don't know where to go from there. Like who do you talk to? Because the one person you really want to talk to wouldn't pick up their phone even if you wanted them to."

I needed to vent. It didn't think I had so much to say.

2009-11-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like it's a bad sign when you don't care about losing your virginity. I don't think I ever have though. I'm only here to please.

I wish you would realize.

2009-10-31T11:03:00.001-07:00

That you deserve so much better. I don't know why you go on like this. You're bound to get heart broken, but I promise I'll be different. Just wait it out a little. I'm still here. I still feel like I did when we first met, and I miss you.

Happy Halloween everyone. It finally feels like fall.

Attraction is easy.

2009-10-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's when the feelings settle in and take over your every thought when thing's start to get complicated. I talked to them. Like old times. Compliments and sweet nothings the like. I don't know what I'm going to do if it ends. I don't know if I have enough left in me for that.

It's been a slow night. Putting off school work. Burning incense, drinking cranberry juice, and watching Ciao Manhattan tapes. It makes you realize how insignificant your life is. It doesn't start until you live under the city lights and soak in everything around you. I can't wait for it.

Should of lasted longer.

2009-10-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

My jacket smells like smoke, hair dye, and body spray. Good night.

We are golden.

2009-10-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of convincing myself that everything is a sign. I've always had this mentality that when something happens, no matter how trivial, there's an ultimate reason. And more than not I get my hopes up and think more of something than what it really is. But it's all whatever in the end. Fall break started today. I'm ready to stay up late talking to foreigners online with starbucks in hand. I just wish you were here too.

Mental health day.

2009-10-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

I needed one. I got one.

The Delivery Man

2009-10-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

"I realized two things tonight," Michele says.

"What?"

"The first is that your girlfriend is fucking beautiful."

"Don't do this tonight."

But Michele isn't listening. "The second thing I realized" - Michele looks away and her lips are trembling and then she looks back at him - "is that I'm not loved . . . " Chase knows what she's going to say next. Michele grabs his face and turns it toward her and squeezes it. ". . . by anyone."

It takes a minute before Chase realizes that Julia is watching them.

Dear confused scenie prep kids.

2009-10-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

I hope you enjoy most of my favorite bands on the New Moon soundtrack. Please don't ruin it for me. You still don't know good music. You're no where close to indie.

I'm not indie per say but I'd like to think I know good music.

I want short breaths.

2009-10-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I was watching Flipping Out today. Which if you haven't watched is basically...

A show takes a look at a peculiar real estate speculator, Jeff Lewis who lives in LA. He buys houses and "flips" them, selling them for a profit after fixing them up. He does so with the help of an unusual mix of disgruntled employees that he counts as friend.

It's all reality too. Go figure. So throughout last night's episode one of his client's, Chaz, was trying to convince Jeff to let him deal with the homeless person that had been there for twelve years on his property. And he had a whole story about how he had been meditating and asking for signs or a spirit to guide him to where his place of work should be built. So he and his partner were driving around Los Angeles and found an empty lot with a homeless lady sitting on the back porch. When Chaz's partner asked her what her name was she took off her sunglasses, stared straight into Chaz's eyes, and answered Sprit. Which Chaz took as the sign he had been looking for. At the end of the episode after Jeff finally agrees to let her stay on the property and build a shelter for her. She dies. But it was so profound. The impact it had on everyone. This homeless lady that no one had an attachment to other than the story they had heard about her. It just really made me feel so insignificant. I have my whole life ahead of me. It makes me just want to live it. To give myself a chance to be happy. Because god knows I've been far from it lately.

Side note: I'm in the mood to burn a candle and take a nap. I hate naps.

No invitation, take me away.

2009-10-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here. Shaking. Crying. I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt a low like this since two summers ago. And I'm afraid of what might happen next. And afraid to go to bed and get up with this state of mind tomorrow. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this kind of feeling.

When I grow up.

2009-10-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of trying so hard for you. But I'll continue to. Plans are to go to another fair tomorrow. We have to leave at nine. Sunday is my sleeping in day. Oh well. Mother is buying me skinnies tonight. Britney Spears is stuck my head. Maybe I'll break in the jacket in this week. I got my peach kefir. I want to try my hand at writing a journal. Problem is you can't just go back and delete it like this. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I hate perfectionists though. My feet are cold but the rest of me is hot. I stay dressed until nine in case people want to hang out. Popcorn makes me feel fat. Don't let me eat more popcorn. I'm starting the Great Gatsby. I put the pore strip to high and it didn't get where most of my black heads are. Someone stole the developer from the photo lab so I could only make prints. I'm really starting to dig Fever Ray. I think I'm going to wake up before the sun tomorrow. Just because I miss mornings. We'll see how that goes.

Come lay with me on the ground

2009-10-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm staying in tonight. Listening to Passion Pit and Bright Eyes. Watching video blogs on youtube. Drinking starbucks. And talking to strangers online. It can't turn out good. I don't think I've ever had a friday night at home where I didn't die of boredom or have something come up that makes me pissed off or depressed.

I'm ready for my class tomorrow. Developing film has become really therapeutic for me. Probably because I'm not concentrating on petty teenage angst. And I'm actually satisfied with what I've taken this week. I just hope they turn out how I wanted them to.

My dad saw me looking for winter jackets on Urban and had me go upstairs with him to his closet, where he then gave me his old Banana Republic bomber jacket from the eighties. As if it couldn't get any better, it turned out to be the same one he wore every day he was in London twenty some years ago. Complete with a vintage pair of gloves from London. Once the musty smell is gone I'm going to live in this thing. Photos of it on my daily booth soon.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is on hold. It's kind of disappointing. I may move on to something else though. I'll come back to it eventually. I promise. I'd never leave a book unfinished.

Side note: I need to fix my computer so they realize starbucks is the correct spelling.

Side side note: The heater is on. And it feels fucking amazing.

2009-10-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

You told me the distance would make us stronger. That it'd make us more grateful for each other once we were together. But it's also the one thing that could tear us apart. I still like you. I hope you do too.

2009-10-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

Everyday after the last bell rings for school I walk out the nearest door and stand out in the cold for five minutes waiting for the buses to come. It's just so peaceful for me. I wish I could walk home from school. Reminds of those movies where the person in a heavy fall jacket steps on all the fallen brightly coloured leaves with the wind blowing in their face. I want that.

2009-10-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

If tonight was any indication of the month to come. I'm fucking stoked.

2009-09-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

September is the worst month ever. Nothing happens and the weather is less than satisfactory. I'm ready for October. For orange leaves falling from tall trees, pumpkin patches, hay rides, heavy jackets, overcast afternoons, an excuse to stay in and read, heaters, apple juice that doesn't taste gross, fall break, bonfires, and long nights. Yes please.

Side note: Whenever I look out my window this little girl across the street is always in her yard. She lays in the grass and looks at the sky. Picks up piles of leaves only to drop them in another place. And cautiously walks barefoot on the cold sidewalk. I want that kind of confidence. That comes with being a kid and having no shame. But that can be balanced out with innocence.

Something's got to change.

2009-09-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's a new day. And I plan on taking full advantage of it.